Living in the Promised Land

Studying in Hebrews now in my Bible study. . . in the Faith chapter (11) today. Reading about Abraham, how he trusted God—he “obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going” (11:8); how even though he was past age and Sarah was barren, “was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise” (11:11).

What intrigues me so much about this passage today is the part about how Abraham “made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country . . . looking forward to the city with foundations [in Greek “seed”], whose architect and builder is God” (11:9-10). I am overwhelmed by the depth of meaning in this passage for those of us who know Christ—it is so clearly a picture of our lives with Christ—or at least how our lives should be.

The power of God draws us (calls us) to Christ and the gift of faith (also from Him) enables us to see and to accept the truth of Jesus Christ, to receive the free gift of salvation. Once we accept Christ and decide to follow Him (even though we don’t know where we are going), we move to the “promised land,” which is a place—not a physical place, but a spiritual place, where we live by faith in the promises of God, who is faithful.

--Promises of His unfailing love for us, promises of freedom from the burden of guilt, forgiveness of our sins, and (to come) freedom from sorrow, pain, and the cares and desires of this world. Most of all, I think, freedom from the fear of death. Even though we will experience death in this life, we need not fear it. We can know freedom from the fear of death, we can have inner joy and peace, even in the midst of trouble. To me, these are evidences of the power of God in our lives, evidences of His faithfulness, of His nearness.
And we look forward to, anticipate the fulfillment of promises that are yet to be, just as Abraham and other godly men waited. We wait for the fulfillment of God’s promises of eternal life, of living in the presence of God where all is light and good, no dark and evil. Jesus says in this world we will have tribulation, but in Him we may have peace. By the power of the Holy Spirit, in our hearts and spirits, we know all God’s promises are true and will come to pass—and we wait for them, living now in a land where we are strangers. Faith: waiting and believing.

From Hebrews 11:13-15 . . .

¹³These all died in faith,
         not having received the things promised,
      but having seen them and greeted them from afar,
    and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
¹⁴For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.
¹⁵If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out,
         they would have had opportunity to return.

When I think about how Abraham lived like a stranger in a foreign country, I think about how I live in this world. What does it mean to “live like a stranger”?

Maybe it means not being so caught up with and focused on the things of this world, but becoming increasingly connected to the things of the spirit. Perhaps it means not to be so comfortable with—and attached to—the things of this world, whether a lifestyle, material things, or cultural norms and values.  And, too, it means (to me) not to be so caught up in seeking the approval of others, but to seek the approval of God. Maybe it means realizing that sometimes I will not (should not?) “fit” in this world, that I will seem strange to others.

But I have been thinking this morning about how well I fit in this world. I want the same things as others—comfort, security, health, enough money, and I want people to like me. Is it implausible to think that Abraham and Sarah desired the same things, struggled with many of the same issues we do now?

I think about the problems and sorrows Abraham experienced. By no means did Abraham live a life free from care and trouble. Traveling to a country he did not know, living with the serious consequences of his involvement with Hagar and his son by her, Ishmael; lying about who Sarah was (twice, I think) because he was more afraid of men than of God; watching as God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, while his family was affected (Lot and his family); and of course, being commanded by God to sacrifice his only son, Isaac (serves as sign of Jesus to come). Abraham surely knew pain, sorrow, fear, anxiety in his earthly life. But he kept his eyes on the promises of God, being “sure of what he hoped for and certain of what he did not see” (11:1).

And God used an imperfect human (Abraham) and miraculous means (the conception and birth of Isaac) to give us His promises through His chosen people, through which he revealed Himself by His covenant with Abraham, the Law, the sacrificial system--all of which point to Christ and God's plan redemption for man. He used a perfect human, who was also perfectly God (Jesus) and miraculous means (the conception and birth of Jesus) to fulfill His promises for a new covenant. In the fullness of time, Jesus was born, lived, and died on the cross. In the fullness of time, Jesus will return for His people.

Just as the sacrificial system described in the Old Testament and the old covenant are copies or shadows of Christ’s sacrifice and the new covenant, the “promised land” is symbolic of the true promised land, the place where we will spend eternity with Christ. Hebrews is so rich...difficult, but rich. Anyone who wants to learn how Jesus is connected to the Old Testament should read Hebrews--it's fascinating.

Praise Him!

On Faith and the Spirit of God

Where is your faith, Sheree?

The past week has been a difficult one for me, stressful. A couple of anxiety-ridden situations have arisen and I admit I have given in to the temptation to worry. At the same time, however, the situations have caused me to consider more deeply the things of God I am learning in Bible study, podcasts, meditating on these days.

Along with a couple of hundred other women, I am studying Acts this year in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), and although the book is normally referred to as the Acts of the Apostles, it could just as well be called the Acts of the Holy Spirit. Such a strong focus on the Holy Spirit, power, the Name of Jesus. I do not think it is possible to study, pay attention to the Holy Spirit and not have our own spirit impacted. An awesome thing--to meditate on the fact (yes, fact) that the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ dwells within me (a believer) and is in fellowship with my spirit--seems too amazing to be true.

I suppose one of the reasons that truth is hard to internalize for me (and perhaps for others) is that despite knowing God's truth, I continue to sin and struggle in this world. And I must grieve the Holy Spirit by the way I so often respond to difficulties. I claim to be a follower of Christ, one who believes and trusts in the God of the Bible. Yet, while I confess my belief and trust in God, my response to trouble (worry) and my actions are often inconsistent with what I believe and with how I want to respond. Especially worry, I think, must grieve the Spirit; worrying is antithetical to trusting in God, the outworking of my faith.

Nice to know I'm not alone. The Apostle Paul writes about this conflict in his letter to the Romans, Chapter 7:

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

I think one of my problems (and perhaps it's a universal problem) is that I forget who I am, forget my place in the universe. I keep thinking--and living as though--I am in control of my own life and responsible for changing me. The more I am in the Word, the more I learn about the character and redemptive plan of God, His grace, mercy, righteousness, sovereignty,  the more I realize that I can do nothing on my own. And the very fact that I am troubled about and aware of the conflict between my spirit and my flesh, as Paul was, testifies to me of the truth of God's Word. 

My God is a personal God, who desires an intimate relationship with me. Francis Schaeffer said because God is infinite, He can [and does] deal with each of us personally, in a personal relationship (True Spirituality--great book!). But within that personal relationship, we must remember we are not equal with God or above God; He is the Creator; we are his creation (small "c"). Indwelling us with His Holy Spirit is (I believe) a gift from God, a gift of His power and presence that provides the means for us to have the intimate  relationship He desires to have with us.

Until Jesus lived, died, rose, and ascended to heaven, the Holy Spirit was given as an external gift, a help given by God when He chose to give it; many times in the Old Testament we read how the Holy Spirit "came upon" someone to empower them. After Jesus ascended, God gave the gift of the Holy Spirit to live within us, to be with us always. The Holy Spirit is a person, real, tangible, a "very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1). His purpose is to guide us into all truth and to give us power to testify of and live for Christ in a fallen, sinful world. God knows we have nothing inside us to be able to do it ourselves. In fact, we remain spiritually dead until God quickens our spirits by His Spirit, giving us the power of faith to believe, to repent, to receive His gift of salvation, to trust and abide in Him. In 2Timothy 2:25, we are reminded that even repentance is not of ourselves:

Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, . . .

The very faith by which we believe comes from God. From Romans 12:3: ". . . each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."

And grace is a gift, too; from Romans 12:6: "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. . . ."

I downloaded a new podcast by James McDonald not long ago and have been listening to a series of ten messages on Change. His message perfectly fits with my study of Acts and my life circumstances right now. (By now, I should have ceased being amazed at God's perfect timing...)

It's one thing to know about the power available to me and it's another to put it into practice on a daily basis. The podcast series has been a great help, and I know God is changing me, perhaps not as quickly as I would like, but I'm on the right path!

¹⁰⁵ Your word is a lamp to my feet
   and a light to my path. (Psalm 119)

__________________________________________________
I heard a message on the radio one day recently. It was the Unlocking the Bible program with Pastor Colin Smith (good preacher). I wanted to mediate on his message, but first I had to remember it (not easy these days), so I quickly recorded his three main ideas.

When facing difficulties:

1. Factor in what you know about God's power--over disease, nature, death, everything. (Remember what God has done.)
   
2. Submit to the sovereignty/authority of God, knowing that He does what He pleases, not what I may please (brings peace).
   
3. Trust in the goodness of God, knowing that He loves me and everything He allows in my life is for my ultimate good. ( . . . [A]ll things work together for good...Romans 8:28)
   
4. (I will add a fourth:)  Know and believe that the Holy Spirit of God dwells within me and will guide me and grant me the power and wisdom I need in every circumstance to act in a way that will glorify God.

Jesus walking on the water--Jesus was with His disciples in a boat; He was sleeping and there was a  storm, and the disciples were terrified. It was because of their relationship with Jesus that they were in the situation they found themselves in--a fierce storm, facing death. They had seen Jesus do many miracles already, but when faced with the storm and possible death, they panicked, and Jesus, after calming the sea, said to them, "Where is your faith?"

I just bought a little plaque that has a seashell on it and a few cattails or reeds blowing in the wind. Two words are conveyed on the plaque--"just bend." That phrase has come to mind a few times this past week, and I have thought about how reeds do not work to bend--as the winds and storms come, they "just bend." As I experience difficulties, may I learn to "just bend" and let Jesus calm the sea in and around me.

Mom

My mom is dying. I thought I was prepared, but the other day the Hospice nurse called me and when she identified herself, my heart stopped for a second or two. Then she told me mom is fine, she was just calling to update me on her medical status--and I breathed again.

I have been spending as much time as I can with mom these days. She has been in Bethany Homes for around six weeks now. Yesterday we moved her to a private room. We are hoping to make it seem a little more like a bedroom than a nursing home room by hanging some old pictures and family photos and making it a little more comfortable for her (and us). She seems so sad.

I'm always surprised at how so much time can go by when I am with her. I might stop after work, planning to stay an hour, and before I know it a couple of hours or three have passed. It seems so right for me to just sit with her, even though she is not very responsive, has a difficult time talking, and mostly wants to lie down and sleep. We still go for some walks outside on these beautiful days, but she has a difficult time holding her head up for very long and gets tired easily. She eats little and is small and frail.

The other night I was with her for a few hours and found an old hymn book. I read hymns to her and even sang a few. Anyone who knows me fairly well knows I'm not a great singer, but no one was in the room but my mom and me. I think she liked it.

Mom is so precious to me. I was thinking about why. I know I'm "supposed to" love and honor my mom, but it's beyond that.

Moms love. Unconditionally. I remember myself as a young adult trying to work through some of my emotional baggage from my past that seemed to be keeping me from functioning well in the present. At times, I was so frustrated with my mother who would never acknowledge that I had some serious problems to work through. I was always perfectly fine in her eyes. If I did have any problems, it must be someone else's fault.

It's surely true that some of her way of thinking was denial, which can be unhealthy. But I also think there is something inherently wonderful (full of wonder) in the way a mother has faith in her child and sees what is best in them. No ones loves like a mom.

Except God. And while a mother's love can--and often does--fail, God's love is unfailing, steadfast, true. One of my favorite passages is in Isaiah 49:15, where God says

Can a woman forget her nursing child
     And have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.
    Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;

I praise God today for my mom, for her love and her life, and for His unfailing love.

Praise Report and The Good Portion

It's the middle of August--a beautiful, sunny day today. I finished cancer treatment around the end of May, and last week I had a PET scan to assess the success of the treatment. On Wednesday, I received a good report from the doctor. He said the tumor and all signs of the cancer cells are gone. Good news! I am so grateful to God for bringing Ken and I through this difficult year. And so grateful for friends and family who supported us, helped us, prayed for us, believed with us, loved us.

During this stressful, difficult year, I have surely had opportunities to do some soul-searching. I barely had time to breathe a sigh of relief about being done with treatment when we (my brother and sisters and I) moved my mother to a nursing home. We took her to the doctor because she was having difficulty breathing and her heart was racing. Mom was admitted to the hospital, and we learned over the next several days she had (has) multiple serious health problems, the worst of which is failing kidneys. After consulting with the doctors and considering Mom's current condition and multiple health issues, we decided not to have her go through dialysis. A difficult decision, but the right one for Mom, we believe. Moving Mom to a nursing home was very stressful for our family, not to mention how hard it was (and is) for Mom. Since there are seven of us children, I suppose it is natural that we would not all perceive the situation in the same way. And I, for one, am not proud of some of the things I said and did during that time. But Mom is settled in her new "home," and Hospice has become involved. We're all trying to spend as much time as we can with her. She is so precious to all of us.

Most of my frustration these days is due to not having enough time. Work, commuting (although I have stayed overnight with my sister in Fargo several times already--a blessing), visiting Mom and attending to issues about her care, and a YMCA wellness program for cancer survivors is keeping me too busy. Lately, I have complained about having to take time to sleep! Although I am feeling very well, I can tell I don't have the energy I used to, and I seem to need my sleep even more than before.

I suppose it's not surprising that I have taken little time for the things of God lately. And I know that it has affected my attitude, my behavior, my ability to respond to stressful situations in a godly way. And it has even affected my ability to be a blessing to my mother during this difficult time in her life. One of the passages our pastor used today during his message was from 2 Timothy: 3:16:

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful
for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 

This scripture reminds me again that I need to be immersed in the Word of God and be in prayer not only, in broad terms, to live a godly life, but also to make it through each day without harming the name of Christ and without becoming discouraged (I want to keep my joy). Undoubtedly, as it rebukes and corrects me (not fun), the Word also strengthens me and helps me to "keep [my] head in all situations" and to "endure hardship" (4:5).

As I think about how I spend my time, I am reminded of the incident recorded in Luke 10 where Jesus came to visit Mary and Martha, two sisters. Martha was busy serving and was upset because Mary was sitting at the Lord's feet. Such a picture of so many of us (like me) today--busy with many good things, but failing to recognize or take time for the one thing that's important.

³⁸Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. ³⁹And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." ⁴¹But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, ⁴²but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

In church today, we sang a song with these lyrics:

" I see the Lord,
high and lifted up, 

seated on the throne, of my life.

  And He is Holy, Holy, Holy, 

seated on the throne of my life."

I closed my eyes while we sang this beautiful chorus, and I let myself imagine such a setting. I am dismayed to to say that I saw not God on the throne of my life, but me on the throne of my life--me stubbornly trying to be in control and keep it all together on my own. In our culture and with our fallen nature, it's so easy to relegate God to the sidelines of our lives, to put ourselves on the throne of our lives.

This was a good day--I am so thankful for God's Word (and for our pastor who preaches the Word in Truth) and for God's love for me. I know He loves me enough to correct me, to draw me unto Himself. In my weakness, He is strong.

May I seek "the good portion" in the coming weeks and trust God to help me. And the next time I sing or think of the lyrics of this song, I will close my eyes and see God on the throne of my life!

Anticipating Family Camp

Ken and I are going to go to Family (Bible) camp at Inspiration Point Camp this weekend. I think this is our eleventh year in a row, and we have always brought grandchildren along with us. Kayla (our granddaughter) was 3 the first time we attended camp. She hasn't missed a year; this year, she is 13 and coming with us again. Alex, who is 12, is coming, too. Marcus just turned 19, and I guess he has decided he's too old to come with us anymore. I'll miss him; it will be a little quiet. (Marcus always kept things lively!) I hope Ellie, Isaiah, and Sophia can join us next year. (Might need a mom along with that many, though.)

Family camp is just a few short days out of the year—a Thursday night until Sunday noon, always (for us) around the 4^th of July. It goes fast. But I remember once when I was thinking about what some of my favorite days (of my life) might be, I realized some of my much loved days have been spent at Family camp. Those times really are memories I treasure and always will. So many memories...

Kayla was young..I think it was our first year at Inspiration Point (we stayed in a tent, much to the chagrin of Ken—no more tents after that). Each year the camp has what they call the Christ Hike. The Christ Hike takes place in the evening, and camp staff members dress up and act out highlights from the time of Jesus' ministry, beginning with his baptism (that takes place in the lake) and ending with his death on the cross and finally, his resurrection. Campers and others who attend (the public is invited)--perhaps around a couple of hundred of us--follow Jesus and his disciples and other members of the cast around the camp, as they act out various scenes as depicted in the Bible--the miracle of feeding thousands with a little bread and fish; Jesus saving the adulterous woman (always makes me cry), Jesus in the garden and before Pilate, etc. We even participate, as at one point, we become the crowd calling "Hosanna" and waving palm branches as Jesus approaches. And, a little later, as he stands before Pilate, we are the crowd calling, "Crucify him!"

At the end of the Christ Hike, after the resurrection, it becomes very quiet as a camp leader speaks about the precious gift of salvation Jesus gave us when he sacrificed his life for us. I remember well holding Kayla that night so long ago--the evening was so still and she was so small and lovely with her dark hair and eyes. It was during one of the quiet times, while the speaker had paused so we could think about what she was saying, that little Kayla spoke out so clearly that nearly everyone heard, "Wasn't that nice of him?"

She was speaking of what Jesus did--and she was only three years old.

"From the lips of children and infants, you, Lord,
have called forth your praise." (Matthew 21:13)

 Feeling very blessed...

Family

I have not written here for a long time, it seems. I have put in a few weeks of work after treatment, so I've been busy. I'm very grateful the Lord orchestrated the opportunity for me to transition to a 32-hour week. I have found I don't have quite the energy I did before treatment, so 32 hours is plenty. I have been enjoying getting back to work, though, and I'm so grateful to have a job I enjoy. The people I work with are wonderful and the work is rewarding. I have found that it helps tremendously to get eight or nine hours (preferably nine) hours of sleep every night. (I have always envied a bit people who can get by on five or six hours a night and still function well...not me! And now I seem to need a little more.)

A recent visit from my sister, Dawn, who lives in Idaho, was welcome--we took a long walk on one of the few nice evenings we have had this season (so much rain). Four (of five) of my sisters and my brother and I met at my mom's home in Casselton. It was great to get together. No one had a camera, of course, so Erik took a couple of pics with his phone. Since one of my sisters, Tammie, is a coast-to-coast truck driver, we don't see her very often at all, so I am grateful for the short visit we had. We missed Candy, who lives in Arimo, Idaho.

The bonds of family are strong. And I think the relationships we have with our family members provide clues to the personal, close, unbreakable bond we are invited to share with our Lord. Of course, family ties do break; I have heard of longtime feuds and parents "disowning" children (whatever that means). But, I believe, those bonds are not broken without pain and suffering, a troubled spirit, and perhaps often, a perpetual sense of something being wrong.

A couple of days ago, I downloaded to my Kindle a book of poems by Christina Rossetti. She wrote "Goblin Market," one of my favorite poems (worth reading). Until I read through it again, I had forgotten one of my favorite quotes is from that poem. The poem is about two sisters..and this passage about sisters is quite wonderful--and true (that spoken by someone who has been exceedingly blessed with five sisters--and a great brother):

"For there is no friend like a sister,
In calm or stormy weather,
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands."

Feeling grateful tonight...

A Living Hope

Still thinking about Light and my spiritual struggle. And I ran across this excerpt from a very old book by St. John of the Cross called _The Dark Night of the Soul_. It's been awhile since I read the book. (I think I just read part of it--it's a little tough going.) But this paragraph jumped out at me one day, and I sent it to someone in Facebook. Ran across it recently in my message history, and I'm still intrigued by it. (St. John of the Cross was a Carmelite priest, friar, mystic, who lived between 1542 and 1591. I believe he wrote the book--or at least part of it--while imprisoned.)

I am constantly amazed at the parallels between the physical world we live in and the spiritual realm, between physical truths/laws and spiritual truths, and, perhaps mostly, between our earthly/bodily journey and the journey of our soul. Here, St. John describes so well the difficulty with which we pursue spiritual truth and light, while we are bound by--and, thus, naturally apt to interpret our existence and experiences through--our human limitations (physical, mental, etc.) and fallen state (i.e., sin); our bodily senses (what we can physically see, hear, taste, smell, touch); and the external physical world and nature, with its laws and constancy, that we interact with, live with as long as we are alive.

Oh wretched lot of this our life, where we get to know the truth with so much difficulty! since the clearest and most radiant (light) and truth itself, is for us most dark and doubtful; and for this reason we fly from it, being that we have most need of; and that which glitters and fills our eyes with luster, we embrace and follow after, being that which is worst for us, and makes us fall at every step. How great is the fear and danger man lives in, since the very physical light of his eyes which leads him, is the first to dazzle and betray him on his journey towards God. So that, if he would clearly perceive the road whereby he travels, he must, of force, keep his eyes fast shut and go in darkness, so as to be safe from the domestic enemies of his household, which are his own senses and faculties. 

 How ironic this idea seems--that to follow hard after God and His light we must "go in darkness," suppressing our physical senses that deceive us and draw us away from God. We must surrender our will and seek Him and His will for us, embracing (joyfully?) whatever circumstances He brings into our lives.

But, my human nature argues, I am so much in the world! And I so desire and enjoy being comfortable, having my family close, being in my home and having my "things" around me, feeling good physically and mentally, living in a safe environment, having enough money to live comfortably and continue to buy more things, etc. It truly is difficult to put the Lord and the things of God first while living in such circumstances. After all, why would I choose a path of "darkness," to suppress my desires for the things that make me "happy" in this world? And why look upon as my enemies the very possessions that enable me to enjoy this life--my "senses and faculties"?

The answers to my questions, of course, are in God's Word. John tells us not to love the things of the world and reminds us of the temporary nature of the world we love and cherish so much. 

From I John 2...
 ¹⁵ Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. ¹⁷And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Although not difficult to read and even to grasp with my human intellect, this command, I find, is not easy to put into practice. And, I believe, not only "not easy," but not possible without faith and without God's Holy Spirit to guide and to help me.

Having recently read in  the Mayo book on women's cancers the chapter on recurring cervical cancer (I had avoided that chapter until now), I must admit I experienced some uneasiness (fear?) and discomfort when I read about the (limited) options available to women when this type of cancer recurs; I was especially daunted by the descriptions of the extensive surgeries that might be done to prolong life, even to prolong it for a short time. When I think about how I struggled through the not-so-difficult and not-so-long treatment program I recently finished--and remember my response to it (not always thankful)--I can't help but wonder (just "wonder"--not "dwell on") how I would fare in more dire circumstances. Would I continue to trust God, to praise Him, to thank Him in all circumstances? I sincerely hope so. I choose today not to worry about the future, to trust God to give me the strength I need in whatever circumstances He allows in my life. And I choose to believe that, in answer to many prayers, He has healed me completely.

As I seek wisdom, God's Spirit will enlighten me. In Proverbs, wisdom (personified) is given much attention:

Wisdom is better than anything I desire. Wisdom calls:
Take my instruction instead of silver,
   and knowledge rather than choice gold,
¹¹for wisdom is better than jewels,
   and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.

We don't have to guess what wisdom is. Many passages in the Word clearly tell us that the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and knowledge of the Lord and to shun evil is understanding/insight (Job 28:28; Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 1:7; Proverbs 9:10 are a few.)

I love Isaiah's prophecy about Jesus in Isaiah 11:2:

And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him,the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,the Spirit of counsel and might,the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.

Essentially, what I am seeking is wisdom from God: wisdom to live in this world, with all its vain glories, while at the same time to glorify God with my life, to truly follow Him and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. . .wisdom to embrace God's will for me and, as Paul learned, to be content in every circumstance: "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need" (Philippians 4:12).

The Bible contains much direction and encouragement for people like me, people who are seeking God. In 2 Corinthians 4:18, Paul tells us to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." And, as blessed and wonderful as we find this world, Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 2:19 that "[n]o eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

As I am writing this, I am reminded of Fanny Crosby. I have never read a bio about her, but I've heard about her over the years. She lived between 1820-1915 and wrote over 8,000 hymns, including many well-loved hymns like "Blessed Assurance" and "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior." She was extensively and passionately involved in mission work during her life, giving most of her money away. And she did all this while being blind since infancy. She recognized the blessing in her trial. One quote that is attributed to her:

"It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me."

My faith is in a living hope..

I Peter 1:3-9: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.  

So thankful today for God's Word, for godly examples, and for His concern with my spiritual growth.

__________________________
Note: Here is the poem "Dark Night of the Soul." The book expounds on each stanza. Consider the thought, "my house being now all stilled."

Stanzas Of The Soul

1. One dark night,
fired with love's urgent longings
- ah, the sheer grace! -
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

2. In darkness, and secure,
by the secret ladder, disguised,
- ah, the sheer grace! -
in darkness and concealment,
my house being now all stilled.

3. On that glad night,
in secret, for no one saw me,
nor did I look at anything,
with no other light or guide
than the one that burned in my heart.

4. This guided me
more surely than the light of noon
to where he was awaiting me
- him I knew so well -
there in a place where no one appeared.

5. O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover.

6. Upon my flowering breast
which I kept wholly for him alone,
there he lay sleeping,
and I caressing him
there in a breeze from the fanning cedars.

7. When the breeze blew from the turret,
as I parted his hair,
it wounded my neck
with its gentle hand,
suspending all my senses.

8. I abandoned and forgot myself,
laying my face on my Beloved;
all things ceased; I went out from myself,
leaving my cares
forgotten among the lilies.

Here is a link to the poem and text of the book: http://www.karmel.at/ics/john/dn.html

Light

When I see people these days, they most often ask me how I am doing and then tell me I am looking good. I've lost quite a bit of weight, so I think that is mostly what accounts for the complement (but then I hear my color is good, too).

I've been thinking lately about how little it matters how I look on the outside. Of course, it's nice to look good, better for my self-esteem, etc., but it really matters little in the great scheme of things. I have become acutely aware of my own mortality and the futility (not to mention the vanity) of trying to look younger as I grow older. My physical self, threatened by cancer, has, in some ways, become less important to me. Doesn't mean I should not take care of myself, but I feel pretty strongly that I should pay more attention to the things of God. Paradoxically, I struggle so with taking time for Bible study and prayer and the associated necessary self-discipline, while at the same time I long for an intimate relationship with God.

I wonder, if I met the Lord on the street, what He would say to me. Since He is much more concerned with the condition of my heart than my physical attributes, would he look at my heart and then comment on what he sees inside me? What would he see inside me? Darkness or light? Truth or deception? Some darkness, some light, some truth and some deception, I imagine. As long as we are in our fallen state, we will not see clearly or have perfect light. Jeremiah 17: 9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

The more we are in God's Word, the more light we have. Interesting--it seems that the more of God's Word we have in us, the more light we have, the more we see the world differently--easier to grieve for others who do not know the Lord, easier to grieve over injustices and wrongs, easier to see what in our own hearts is not in line with God's will for us as his people..rebellion, idolatry. (By "easier," I don't mean it's easy--it's never easy to see others hurting or to see, albeit unclearly, the sin in our own hearts. I really mean we are more sensitive to these things, essentially, the things of God.) The less familiar or immersed in God's Word we are, the more we (I) desire and pursue the pleasures this world has to offer, often putting them before God.

The Bible--Old and New Testament--is replete with references to light, and most of those references point to our Lord Jesus. Jesus is the light. John 1--In him was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it (ESV says instead, "the darkness has not overcome it"). Jesus--"the true light that gives light to every man..." John 8:12--Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I like to think about Jesus being the light of life. "Life" for Jesus--as well as for those who love him--does not mean only earthly life. It means eternity. Death is just a transition to eternal life, eternal light. We can look forward to the day when "the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory'" (1 Corinthians 15:54).

Darkness is the absence of light. We, on earth, depend on the sun to light our world. Isaiah prophesies that the time will come when

the sun will no more be your light by day,
   nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,

     and your God will be your glory. (Is 60: 19)  

I am so grateful today that God has revealed to me the truth and the light of Jesus. I want more of His light in my life.

2 Corinthians 4:6
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Last Treatment and Peace

Last high dose radiation treatment today!! Went well..Pastor Randy came and prayed for me--I am so grateful. And Ken was with me all day again--how blessed I am! I feel at peace this evening..tired, but at peace. This verse seems so appropriate for me today:

Deuteronomy 33:27
  The eternal God is [my] dwelling place
        and underneath are the everlasting arms.
  And he thrust out the enemy before [me]
        and said, Destroy.

I am trusting that He has destroyed the cancer and that I am in His arms--what a glorious place to be!

Thanks to all for prayers and support!!

Put your hope in God

Today I am thankful that God's love and concern for me does not depend on how I feel or on circumstances. Even though I feel tired and discouraged, I know that I am a daughter of the King of Heaven. I can say with the Psalmist in Psalm 42 and 43:

Why are you downcast, O my
           soul?
  Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
  for I will yet praise him,
  my Savior and my God.

The above passage is repeated three times in the two chapters, and at one point, the writer says:

My soul is downcast within me;
  therefore I will remember you . . .

Today, I will remember all God has done for me, and I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Treatment Update

Update on my treatment plan: I just had my third high dose radiation on Monday. It was a long day, but everything went very well again. Erik stopped by for a couple of hours; it was nice to have him and Ken there, keeping me company when possible. They managed to play a game of Scrabble on my Kindle, so that helped pass the time.

Dr. Bier, my radiology oncologist, has decided to have me come in for one extra HDR treatment--five instead of four. My fourth one will be tomorrow--Thursday--and the last one will be next Tuesday.

I am going to work today..will try to get a full day in. I'm afraid I'm getting used to a nap in the afternoon. Seems I get tired easily. But I'm going to try it and trust God to give me strength.

And it is good for me to remember from where my strength comes.

   This is what the Sovereign
LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your
       salvation,
  in quietness and trust is your
        strength, . . .(Isaiah 30:15)

Repentance and rest, quietness and trust--that is where I need to look for my strength. These are inner pursuits, inner states of being, not external striving or worldly accomplishments. May God help me today to keep my focus on Him and trust him to guide me as I draw strength from Him. 

God cometh in that cloud

One of my favorite devotion books is Streams in the Desert, compiled by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. I have received so much comfort and peace from the writings there. Today, as I was thinking about the cloud that has settled on our lives (Ken's and mine), I fondly remembered this devotion we read so early in our journey. We were especially moved by the poem (anonymous author) "Hast thou a cloud?". It was precious to both Ken and I and seemed to speak to our particular situation.

It's a reminder to me that God is in the cloud, not on the other side of it, but in the cloud. Just like Jesus was in the storm with the disciples. He didn't show up after the storm, but He was with them through it, and He brought them through it safely.

Today, I am grateful for my cloud, and I'm trusting that God will show me treasures in the darkness, in the cloud. I am not afraid.
 ____________________________
The following passage is from Streams in the Desert, August 22.

Treasures in the Darkness

"Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was" (Exod. 20:21).

God has still His hidden secrets, hidden from the wise and prudent. Do not fear them; be content to accept things that you cannot understand; wait patiently. Presently He will reveal to you the treasures of darkness, the riches of the glory of the mystery. Mystery is only the veil of God's face.

Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you; but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings." When you seem loneliest and most forsaken, God is nigh. He is in the dark cloud. Plunge into the blackness of its darkness without flinching; under the shrouding curtain of His pavilion you will find God awaiting you.  --Selected

"Hast thou a cloud?
Something that is dark and full of dread;
A messenger of tempest overhead?
A something that is darkening the sky;
A something growing darker bye and bye;
A something that thou fear'st will burst at last;
A cloud that doth a deep, long shadow cast,
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
It is Jehovah's triumph car: in this
He rideth to thee, o'er the wide abyss.
It is the robe in which He wraps His form;
For He doth gird Him with the flashing storm.
It is the veil in which He hides the light
Of His fair face, too dazzling for thy sight.
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
A trial that is terrible to thee?
A black temptation threatening to see?
A loss of some dear one long thine own?
A mist, a veiling, bringing the unknown?
A mystery that unsubstantial seems:
A cloud between thee and the sun's bright beams?
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
A sickness--weak old age--distress and death?
These clouds will scatter at thy last faint breath.
Fear not the clouds that hover o'er thy barque,
Making the harbour's entrance dire and dark;
The cloud of death, though misty, chill and cold,
Will yet grow radiant with a fringe of gold.
GOD cometh in that cloud."

As Dr. C. stood on a high peak of the Rocky Mountains watching a storm raging below him, an eagle came up through the clouds, and soared away towards the sun and the water upon him glistened in the sunlight like diamonds. Had it not been for the storm he might have remained in the valley. The sorrows of life cause us to rise towards God.

HDR Experience--Treatment Update

I'm at home today..just finished taking my third nap, and even ate a little today.

I have finished 25 external radiation treatments, 6 chemotherapy treatments, and one HDR (high dose radiation) treatment. Three more HDRs to go, this Friday and then next Monday and Thursday. I'm looking forward to being finished with the treatments.

Yesterday was more grueling than I thought it would be. Ken and I were at the Day Unit at 5:30 a.m., and we left the hospital around 4 or 4:30. The nurses started prepping me right away for the surgery (where they put in tubes through which they would place the radiation). After the surgery, I went to a recovery room where I was given lots of drugs to alleviate cramping. Once the tubes were in, I had a CT scan. Part of the day is where the doctor and physicists engage in a planning where exactly and how deep to plant the radiation. That took around 2 hours. (I told them to take their time--want to make sure they get it right the first time!) Finally the radiation treatment itself only takes around 10 or 15 minutes. Then back to a day unit room where we wait until it's time to remove tubes, etc. The nurse gave me some morphine just before that to help with the pain. I'm still feeling woozy from all the drugs. Maybe Friday I should try it with a little less drugs. I don't seem to shake all that off as easily as some people do.

I'm not looking forward to doing this again on Friday, but I know it's necessary. I appreciate Ken being there with me through it all and I consider how long the day was for him! I slept most of the time--and when I wasn't sleeping, I was in no shape to play Scrabble on my Kindle with Ken.

Drifting in and out of sleep and lying still all day, I was aware of God's presence with me, too. I love the way I can speak to Him and meditate on Him in my heart, without saying a single word or doing a thing. Ken read me a couple of Psalms the night before my first HDR treatment. I was a little nervous, not knowing exactly what to expect.

This passage was a comfort to me:

Psalm 5:11-12
11  But let all who take refuge in you
          be glad;
   let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over
           them,
   that those who love your
        name may rejoice in you.
12  For surely, O LORD, you bless the
        righteous;
       you surround them with your
     favor as with a shield.

(Righteous only because of Jesus' death and resurrection and God's grace!!)

Reflecting on Isaiah

Isaiah 66:2b
"This is the one I esteem:
  he who is humble and contrite
       in spirit,
  and trembles at my word."

I have just finished studying Isaiah this past year with a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group. It was amazing! It's my sixth year with that group. I started with Genesis, then Romans, Matthew, the Life of Moses, John and then Isaiah this year. The study is quite intense, with a weekly lecture, daily lessons for individual study, discussions with the same group of 12-15 women each week before the lecture, and notes that provide background and some commentary on what we are reading. I have never felt as though I do justice to the studies regarding the time I commit to them, but I still glean so much--I'm especially blessed by how much of God's character shines through His Word. With our limited human understanding, much of the material is difficult to grasp, but it's amazing to me, that with the Holy Spirit's guidance, His Word does speak to me (and each of us) personally, individually.

One of the main things I come away with this year is an even deeper respect and awe for God's Word. It is rich with wisdom and revelation of God's character, especially in terms of His salvation and his judgment, neither of which can exist without the other and both of which are essential for His redemptive plan for mankind and the the heavens and earth. Along with that, is the truth that God is Sovereign over all; He created us and the heavens and the earth and He is fully in control of all that happens, whether to people, nations, the earth/nature, and every living thing. Another thing is a deep awareness of my own sin and dependence on and need for God's mercy and grace; my faith was strengthened by reading and reflecting on the many passages relating to Jesus, the Suffering Servant and King.

As I write on my blog, I am so aware of how limited my understanding is and wonder how I can even discuss (even with humility) the things of God here with a right conscience. My prayer is that anything I write will glorify God. One of the ways I believe God is looking out for me as I write is that often after I have written here, sometime during the next few days, the Lord will provide new insight for me about something I have written.

Two examples: In my "Bread" blog entry, I wrote that I desire to worship God in Spirit and in Truth. Yesterday, I listened to a podcast by RC Sproul ("Renewing Your Mind) where he expounded on that very scripture, explaining what it means to worship in Spirit and in Truth (essentially, with my heart and according to the Truth of God's Word). What a blessing!

In the next podcast I listened to, Sproul (who is a distinguished Bible teacher), confessed his own questioning about who he is to teach the Bible to others. I liked so much what he said at the end of his reflection on his sense of humility. He said, "In the end, I'm just a beggar showing other beggars where to get bread!"

Feeling so grateful today...God's blessings are abundant in my life..Praise Him!!

God Is in Control

When I first found out I had cancer, I remember listening to a 4-part podcast series by Ravi Zacharias called "Just Thinking." The parts are only around 13 minutes each. This one was on "Though the Fig Tree Does Not Bloom" (anyone read Habakkuk in the Old Testament--short book, powerful message?).

I remember Part 4 of the series really touched my heart, especially the part where Ravi told two stories that illustrated how God is in control of our destinies. I listened to those stories several times during those first difficult days and weeks, usually with a few tears present.

I want to share with others the two stories he told (and to remember them), so I have taken the liberty of trimming the excerpt to include only the two stories. It's about 6 minutes long--and well worth taking the time to listen. I left the identifier at the beginning to give credit where due.

To listen to the stories, you don't need to download the file--just click the download link and then open with Windows Media Player--or whatever player you use. Listen by following this link.

Also, if you want to hear the entire message--or sign up for Ravi's podcast (I listen with my iPod in the car usually), you can go to his Web site.

Isaiah 46:4
Even to your old age and gray hairs
   I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
  I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Update on Treatment

I had a difficult weekend, but feel better today. Slept a lot this weekend (sleep is precious and restorative--I am grateful). I still don't have an appetite--have lost around 15 pounds, which is probably a good thing, but I need to eat, I know.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is my last day of the daily external radiation and my last day of chemo! Then I will have 4 treatments of internal radiation over two weeks, starting May 9.

May 19 will be my last treatment! Only 17 days away. Praise God.

I am so grateful for all the people who He has led to pray for me and to support me during this time. Some physical comforts have been welcome, as well.
...Candy, my sister who lives in Idaho, sent me a very large, very beautiful multi-colored quilt that I have had on my bed at Erik's apartment ever since I started spending my weeks in Fargo. I am convinced that that quilt is why I have slept so well there.
...And for Christmas, Dawn, another sister, sent me a lovely, warm throw with a verse from Matthew on it: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow." I remember asking Ken to read it to me one day when I was feeling so sick and he was covering me up with it..so encouraging and so nice to wrap up in it.
...Of course, I can't forget my Nurse Minnie that Ken bought me. She has come to chemo treatments with me every time (the nurses love her).
...And baskets from my friends at Bible study, dropped off for me at the hospital for those long chemo afternoons. The visits from Erik, Lisa, and once even Sophia were welcome, too.
...And all the meals from women at our church have been wonderful. Not a weekend has gone by without meals being dropped off. Ken has been eating well, despite my lack of interest in food. It's been great not to have to think about meals.
...Can't forget letters from Ellie--those have come at just the right times and never cease to make me smile and bring me deep joy. The pictures Candy sent me last week of some of us when we were little--brother and sisters--also made me smile (and, I admit, cry just a little).
...A bracelet and lovely card from Bev last week. And so many, many cards and well wishes. They have not stopped coming.
...Lisa made me a "mom" scrapbook page that beautifully expresses her love for me.
...and talk about physical comforts, it's a great blessing to have Ken near me and walking through this cloud with me. God is good!

So many blessings..so grateful..again, I say, God is good. I am overwhelmed..

Bread

May 2--and we awakened to snow yesterday. It's early today (6:30 a.m.), and, looking out from our sun porch windows, it looks beautiful outside. The snow is all but gone and the grass is greener for it, no wind, clear sky, the trees are budding out, the birds are chirping. Doesn't it seem that things we must wait for (especially those we admit to having no control over) are sweeter once we have them? However, the things we wait for and experience here on earth, as sweet as they are, are fleeting, temporary, and never really quench our longing for more. We wait for good weather, for weekends and holidays and vacations, for better health or a better body, for a career or retirement, for marriage or divorce, for children, for birthdays (depending on which one it is), for that next toy that will make us happy and content.

I wonder why I so seldom wait for God, but most often busy myself with the cares of this world. The outcomes and benefits of waiting for God are not fleeting or temporary, but lasting and permanent. I don't think waiting for God is a passive activity, I think it's more like waiting in anticipation, listening for Him, watching for Him, seeking and longing to see His glory, to see Him and to know him in our daily lives, seeking His wisdom and understanding, so different from ours. Meditating on Isaiah 55 again these past few days--God's invitation to the Thirsty,

1 Come, all you who are thirsty,
  come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
  come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
  without money and without
      cost.
2 Why spend money on what is not
      bread,
   and your labor on what does
       not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what
     is good,
and your soul will delight in the
    richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
  hear me, that your soul may live.
. . . 6 Seek the Lord while he may be
         found;
   call on him while he is near.

Bread and wine and milk--staples for the Israelites, essential for sustaining life, physical life. But God has given us, his created beings, souls as well as bodies, souls that need sustenance. Restless souls. Our heart is restless, St. Augustine wrote, until it rests in thee. (see this passage from his Confessions, where Augustine wrestles with how to seek/experience God).

In John 6: 25-59, Jesus claims he is the bread of life. His words hearken back to Isaiah 55 (above). The time was after the feeding of the 5,000, and such a miracle did cause the people to seek out Jesus. When they found him, he told them they were not seeking him because they saw miraculous signs, but because they had eaten the loaves and had their fill. Jesus goes on to say,

27 Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. . . . The work of God is this: to believe in the one he sent.

But the people wanted more miraculous signs and asked Jesus what he would do so they could see and believe. They reminded Jesus of the miracle of manna in the desert, still concerned with their physical needs, and ironically, not realizing they were speaking to the very One who provided the manna in the desert.

Jesus replies that God gives us the true bread from heaven and that it is He, Jesus, "who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."

35 Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. . . . 44 No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him . . . Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me . . . 47 I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life. I am the bread of life. Your forefathers ate the manna in the desert, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which a man may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world."

As if these words were not radical enough, Jesus went on to say, "The Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing" (v. 63). Shocking statement. The flesh counts for nothing? What are we without our flesh, our physical bodies living in a physical world? All my strivings, my acquisitions, my accomplishments are as nothing? A turning point in Jesus' ministry, "many disciples turned back and no longer followed him" after hearing this "hard teaching."

I think it's the same today. Much of Jesus' teaching is still hard teaching. We still seek blessings we can see and hear, taste and touch. Prosperity, long life (how we cling to life), security, justice (on our terms), happiness and good health and easy paths to what we desire. And, even as Christians, we often hear what we want to hear, overlooking the hard parts of Jesus' teaching.

My prayer today is that I may truly seek God and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth, as He desires. Without the Holy Spirit, who guides us into all truth, my efforts would be futile, but I trust in God's faithfulness.

From Isaiah 33

6 He [is] the sure foundation for
       [my] times,
a rich store of salvation and
       wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the LORD is the key
         to this treasure.

Happy Easter!

I had a wonderful Easter weekend with my family. All five of my children were home, and all but three of the grandkids were here. Church was wonderful (especially with so many of my family members there--what a blessing!).

And I received a special gift from the Lord (all good gifts are from above, right?). My doctor postponed my Friday chemo until Monday (tomorrow morning), so I felt very close to normal all weekend. First time I have had an appetite for more than a week! It was wonderful (even though I think I overdid it a little). We played a game of baseball (well, actually wiffle ball works better for our family--that way there is a little less chance of windows being broken or having the ball hit into the next town : ) We had our traditional Easter egg hunt with clues for the grandkids.

Everything was wonderful--and, with all my heart, I thank my family for this weekend and I thank all those who have been praying and continue to pray for me. I hope you all had a blessed Easter weekend. I feel strengthened for the week ahead.

Monday, April 18

I had chemo again on Friday and had a pretty rough weekend. I did, however, make it to church on Palm Sunday (love waving those palms!). Church was so good--great music, great message by Paster Randy, part of which was about how pragmatism doesn't work. Thought-provoking..I like it when he makes us think. And I especially like the way he never fails to lift up God's Word as the ultimate Truth. (It's the main thing--and, as someone said, "the main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing"!)

Decided to stay home today and rest. Ken drove me to Fargo and back for radiation treatment. Tomorrow I will feel better and will stay in Fargo Tues-Wed-Thurs, God-willing. Then chemo on Friday (my 4th of 6). I am thinking of trying acupuncture this week. A friend told me she has it after chemo and it seems to help her feel better. I guess it doesn't hurt to try it once. I am asking the Lord to grant me some extra energy this weekend, since I received the terrific news that all my kids and their families are coming for Easter weekend! Can't wait! And even more, they are bringing all the food. Ken said if I don't feel well, I can just lay in my bed and hold court : )  (not that I'm the queen or anything).

I haven't been eating very well, but just had part of a Paula's roast beef dinner plate. If you haven't eaten at Paula's restaurant in Mayville, you're in for a treat if you ever get the chance. Although nothing has appealed to me lately, the roast beef and mashed potatoes were really good.

I wish I were stronger, but this is a time I need to trust God more than ever. And I need to embrace this time where I am forced to slow down and to depend on God and others and not so much on myself. It is true that we grow so accustomed to being self-sufficient that it is a difficult thing to become very dependent on God to take us through a difficult time. I think (and surely it's true) the whole self-sufficiency thing is really just an illusion, anyway, but it's a powerful one. Maybe this is God's way of getting me to realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am and to acknowledge I am not my own person, but it is "in Him I live and move and have my being" (Acts 17:28).

May it be to me as it was for Paul:

2 Corinthians 12:9: But he [God] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."


I keep receiving cards and good wishes, and I know so many are praying for me. What a blessing!

May you have a blessed Easter week!

Today

God is gracious--I'm feeling better today. And I woke up with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all He has done, especially how He has provided me with friends and family to hold me up. Sometimes that support seems almost tangible to me.

Praise Him!

Some thoughts about the unseen world..

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 5:16-18

Pastor Randy posted this passage on my Facebook page, and I have been thinking about it, wondering why so many people today seem to be either uninterested in the Bible and the (unseen) God of the Bible or hostile towards God and/or His Word. Yet our culture is so consumed with all things unseen, especially supernatural and fantastic.

    * Ghost, medium, and psychic TV shows
    * Psychic phone lines and fortune tellers
    * Horror movies, adventure movies, fantasy movies, often with Biblical allusions/themes
    * Apocalyptic dramas, usually with Biblical allusions/themes
    * Fantasy movies (where light and good must triumph against dark and evil, also required for most action and adventure movies)
    * Ghost clubs where people get together and explore “supernatural” haunts
    * Adult novels and documentaries
    * Children’s books (remember the wildly popular Goosebumps books?)
    * Role-playing games—video, Internet, and otherwise

The list goes on and on. So where does this fascination come from? I think it’s hard-wired into us; I think that deep down inside our very beings, we know there is much more to our world than what we can see, hear, feel, smell, touch. I believe the above list is evidence that we all have an innate longing to know and understand more about the unseen world that we sense exists, to believe that we were not just made to experience this world with our sensory perceptions, but that there is purpose and meaning here on earth, for us as individuals, that is connected to a very real unseen world. It has always been interesting to me how people who buy into the idea of meaninglessness (which is where every road eventually leads to when the objective existence of absolute truth is not acknowledged) yet live their lives with purpose and meaning (albeit, sometimes their purpose is to convince the rest of us there is no meaning or purpose in life). Without the foundation of absolute truth we can have no grounds for morals, i.e., saying anything is good or bad.

I am partial to Ravi Zacharias and listen to his podcasts. He is asked to speak at universities often, and he tells a story of going to one and being taken on a campus tour of grounds and buildings. They came to one building that he was told was an experiment in architecture. The architect attempted to build a building that would exemplify our postmodern culture. It was built in a chaotic, random way—beams that held nothing up, stairways that went nowhere, halls that were dead-ends or circular—no rhyme or reason. Ravi simply asked whether the foundation of the building was built in the same way.

From the beginning of time, humans have questioned their existence and worked incessantly to make sense of it all through science and religion and so many pursuits of knowledge. And our inner life, minds and souls, are too much a part of us to limit those pursuits to the knowledge of the world we can see and touch. (Actually, it’s our elusive inner selves that engage in those pursuits.) We seek answers about the things we cannot see as well as the things we can see.

With all these questions and longings, it is a wonder to me more people don’t look to the Bible for answers. Still the most popular book on earth, the Holy Bible seems like a logical place to at least investigate. Anyone who has ever read Romans, closely or not, cannot say the Bible is light reading. And talk about ghost stories, action, adventure, romance, horror, prophecy—it’s all there and more. And the Bible is our link between the seen and the unseen world.

As Christians, we recognize the truth of the entire Bible. Jesus knew the scriptures (Old Testament) thoroughly and quoted them often. He applied the scriptures to himself (in Luke 4:18- to himself, claiming he was fulfilling prophecy). God’s Word was the basis, foundation for Jesus’ teachings and for his very life. He did not criticize it or try to change the scriptures, although he surely had issues with some of the ways it was interpreted and taught to the people. Christ spoke the truth (I wonder how many times he began a statement with, “I tell you the truth, . . .”), but, in Himself, he embodies the entirety of God’s True Word. He was/is the Word (from the 1st chapter of John, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God . . . The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.”) And He is the Truth: He says in John 14:6, “I am the way and the truth and the life.”

It is the Holy Spirit who guides us into truth and who quickens our hearts to receive the truth of the Word of God, to make it come alive to us. Maybe it’s that very truth and power that keeps us away from the Word. Seeking to know God is a struggle. The Old Testament is the story of the Israelites’ struggle with God; in fact, the name Israel means “struggles with God.” God’s dealings with the Israelites teaches us much about God and ourselves, and their story is intricately linked to ours.

I am so grateful for God’s Word!

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.

--from Psalm 19
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
  refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
  making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
  giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
  giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
  enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
  and all of them are righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
  than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
  than honey from the honeycomb.
11 By them your servant is warned;
  in keeping them there is great reward.

II Timothy 3:16
16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..

Update

A whole week has passed since I have posted here. It’s been a busy week. I worked at NDSU every day except Friday. The daily trips to Sanford for radiation treatment aren’t very taxing—the radiation itself only takes around 10 minutes, and I don’t find it difficult to lay still for 10 minutes and do nothing. The nurses and technicians are wonderful, as is everyone at the Roger Maris Cancer Center—always going the extra mile, it seems, taking the time to ask me how things are going and answering any questions I have, filling prescriptions. They even have a greeter at the door to welcome people and open doors.

I had some problems with nausea last week—it was worse for a couple of days than for the rest of the week. So the doctor gave me more meds for nausea in my I-V and also has me taking two steroids today and tomorrow (so, of course, I'm working on a long, somewhat disjointed blog post that people may or may not want to read : ) Really, they said, every week of treatment is different as my body responds to the treatment. Some of the effects are cumulative, but they should leave once I stop treatment.

So I’m feeling positive today: 4 more chemo treatments and 4 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation. My blood counts are good (don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds good).

And, of course, the most important thing is that I have God walking right beside me--actually, not just beside me, but above me, below me, all around me, and inside me. Praise Him!

Piece of cake, right?

Thanks to all for everything--prayers, good wishes, hugs, food, cards, flowers (beautiful) fresh flowers delivered to my house this morning from the IT Division at NDSU, and prayers.

Isaiah 54:10

¹⁰ Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Saturday, April 2

What a beautiful, sunny day!

It has been a crazy week. The final word on my treatment plan is five weeks of daily external radiation (M-F), with chemo once a week during that time (we're going to try Fridays). Those five weeks will be followed by 4-5 treatments of internal radiation, God-willing, which is (thankfully) under anesthesia and done twice/week. I have had quite a lot of nausea lately and I'm sleeping a lot, so I'm glad it's a weekend. But I only took two days of sick leave this past week, so that's good. I want to keep working as much as I can. I will need to experiment with the drugs  a little and see what works the best. I might have to try something else for the nausea. I'm wondering now why I was in such a hurry to start treatment. It seems like a long road ahead of me, but I'm going to take it one day at a time and continue to trust God to provide for me and comfort me.

A good word for me today: Jesus says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life . . . do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (from Matthew 6)

It's difficult to stay encouraged, hopeful, and even to think clearly when I don't feel good. But I'm determined to depend on God. Isaiah continues to be a blessing to me. This passage was so meaningful to me this week, as I continue on this unfamiliar path, wondering what the next few weeks will bring:

 ¹⁰ Who among you fears the LORD
   and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the dark,
   who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
   and rely on their God.
¹¹ But now, all you who light fires
   and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
   and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
   You will lie down in torment.

We are all prone to light our own torches and walk in the light of our fires, but, in the end, it leads only to despair. I choose to walk in the light of Jesus, who said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

May that light sustain my family and me during this difficult time. And may I realize that I am living in the light, no matter how I feel or what my circumstances are. Better to be in dire circumstances and walking in God's light than to walk in my own light in favorable circumstances!

Praise Him!

Starting treatment Wednesday, March 30

This morning, I received calls from the Cancer Center, and I will start treatment tomorrow. Ken and I will go in a little before 8 a.m. for education about chemo, followed by my first chemo treatment, which takes (I think) at least a couple of hours. I will also have my first radiation treatment tomorrow. The plan is that Ken will be with me this first day, and we will return home when we are finished.

Please pray that my body will tolerate the treatment well; that it will kill the cancer cells, but do little other damage; and that I will be able to continue to work during the weeks ahead.

I continue to believe God is in control, and I'm trusting Him for peace and strength, as I start on this path. I really mean as "we" start on this path. I know Ken won't leave my side (metaphorically speaking), and I am so aware of all the love and support my family and friends are sending my way.

Thank you for your prayers!

"Have you not heard?"

This week, I will start treatment: probably, 5 weeks of external radiation concurrent with 1 chemo treatment each week, followed by 4-5 treatments of internal radiation, given over 2-3 weeks.

Sounds a little daunting, doesn't it? One thing I have learned during the past week is that I must be selfish during the next 7-8 weeks. By selfish, I mean I need to spend time with God on a daily basis, and stay in His Word. I have missed a few days of quiet time, and already I feel the world's pressures, my own fears and insecurities, and even the pain of seeing those I love suffer threatening to overwhelm me.

I have so many good things in my life--family (fantastic husband, kids, grandkids), friends, church, my home, BSF (my Bible study group) are just a few. But here's a verse from Psalm 16 I have highlighted in my Bible:

You are my Lord;
   apart from you I have no good thing.

Perhaps the psalmist is not saying all the things we value in our earthly lives are not good (some, like our family and friends, are truly wonderful gifts* from God), but that apart from God, they are not good, implying that once He gives us a glimpse of His incomparable goodness, we realize the things of earth--even the best things--truly cannot compare to Him in all His fullness and glory. As humans, we have such a high regard for the things we value, and it almost seems sacrilegious to call those things"not good."

Chapter 40 in Isaiah puts things in a different perspective, when God questions us, asking us to consider who or what might be compared to Him. An amazing chapter, He beings by proclaiming comfort for God's people and prophesying about the coming of John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus. Then in verses 6-8, the familiar passage about how "All men are like grass . . . the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." From verse 12 until the end of the chapter, God asks a series of questions that continue to illustrate His greatness and our smallness. Big topics--even for us, who think we are so wise!--creation, knowledge, the nations:

 ¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[a] of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?
 ¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.
 ¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
^{. . . 
 21} Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
 ²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.

Men like grasshoppers? Holds the waters in the hollow of His hand? Nations like a drop in the bucket? That's the God I serve--the One who cares for me! I remember when I studied this chapter a few weeks ago, I could not help but put my name in place of "Jacob" and "Israel" in verse 27 (below). My way is not hidden from the Lord. He knows exactly what is going on in my life at this moment and every moment. And I praise Him!

 ²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

 God must have been at work when His Word was separated into chapters and verses, because this chapter seems so complete to me. It begins with comfort, goes on to illustrate the incomparable greatness of God and our place in His plan, and it ends with not only more comfort, but also the promise of strength for those who hope in the Lord.

When I started writing this blog post today, I had something different in mind and was not even thinking of Chapter 40 of Isaiah. (In fact, I had to change the title of the blog : )  But praise God that He knows what we need and when we need it. So many questions He presents to us in this passage of scripture, but the one--and only--answer is that people need the Lord.

May God bless all of you today . . . I appreciate so much your support and prayers and thoughtfulness!

(OK..I'm ready for this week.)
 _______________________________________________
(added 3/31/11)
*I called these wonderful gifts, but Charles Spurgeon says our loved ones, friends, and earthly comforts "are not gifts, for all that we possess is God's property. He has only lent them, and what he lends He has a right to take." Spurgeon reminds us (as others have done), to "hold all things loosely. Look at them as fleeting ; never expect them to remain." Good advice, but hard to follow. We hold things so tightly in this world--and, interestingly, at the same time we are holding things tightly, most of us as looking to see what else we can/should have, thinking maybe that next thing or person will make me happy. What a sense of peace it brings to know we are in God's hands, everything belongs to Him, and we can trust Him with not only all we have and don't have, but our very lives, body and soul. Praise Him!

Church on the Beach - A Treasured Memory

I have already written a little about my early experiences of learning I had cancer, but I have not yet recorded a precious memory and I want to do that now.

I learned I had cancer on Thursday, February 10. Ken and I were staying in downtown San Diego, where Ken was attending a conference.  On Friday, the conference was over, so we moved to the Beach Cottages on Mission Bay, a place where we had stayed a couple of times before and loved it. We moved into a room on the third floor with patio doors we could open to see and hear the ocean.  The motel complex is on the beach, with almost three miles of boardwalk just outside the gate. It is beautiful.

We knew this time our short stay there would be bittersweet, since just the day before, we had learned about the battle before us.

Although we thought about finding a church to attend on Sunday, we decided to stay on the beach, since we had so little time there. Sunday morning came, and around 8:30 or so, we decided to walk down the boardwalk to our favorite breakfast place, Kono's, which not only has great food, but also outside seating where we could eat and enjoy the ocean. But coffee first. 

We opened the gate and walked out onto the boardwalk. Directly in front of us was a church. God brought church to us! 

Around 40 or so folding chairs were set up under a tent. Bibles were placed on the chairs, and there was a pulpit and a sound system. A few people were milling around and we approached one of the men, who we learned was the pastor. He said church started in 10 minutes and we were welcome to stay. I asked what he was preaching on, and he said Philippians, chapter 4. My stomach did flip-flops, and one of my favorite passages quickly came to mind: 

6   Do not be anxious about anything,
         but in every situation,
      by prayer and petition,
         with thanksgiving,
      present your requests to God.
7   And the peace of God,
         which transcends all understanding,
       will guard your hearts and your minds
      in Christ Jesus.

A familiar passage, one repeated often, but in my present circumstances, it took on new meaning, personal and powerful.

We had time to get a cup of coffee and then found some seats and waited for the service to start. It was a wonderful service. We sang some familiar choruses; I remember one was “Here I Am to Worship,” a beautiful song of praise. Then the pastor prayed, and I mostly remember him praying that God would speak through him and that it would not be him speaking, but that God’s Word would go forth through Him. From my perspective, that’s exactly what happened. It seemed the entire message was the nearly undiluted Word of God. He reviewed the earlier chapters in Philippians and then spent extra time on the fourth chapter. I remember I closed my eyes through most of the message, and it was as if God’s Word was washing over me, filling me with His peace, His strength, His love and comfort. 

As a backdrop for the proclamation of God's Word, the sand at our feet, the vast ocean and sky, the rhythm and sound of the waves all made the whole experience unique and very special. I will always believe God brought church to us that morning on the beach to help us prepare for what was coming, to comfort us, to remind us that He is in control and we are to look to Him for help, for strength, and for peace in the midst of our trouble.

From Isaiah 55. . .

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 

Praise Him!