Last Treatment and Peace

Last high dose radiation treatment today!! Went well..Pastor Randy came and prayed for me--I am so grateful. And Ken was with me all day again--how blessed I am! I feel at peace this evening..tired, but at peace. This verse seems so appropriate for me today:

Deuteronomy 33:27
  The eternal God is [my] dwelling place
        and underneath are the everlasting arms.
  And he thrust out the enemy before [me]
        and said, Destroy.

I am trusting that He has destroyed the cancer and that I am in His arms--what a glorious place to be!

Thanks to all for prayers and support!!

Put your hope in God

Today I am thankful that God's love and concern for me does not depend on how I feel or on circumstances. Even though I feel tired and discouraged, I know that I am a daughter of the King of Heaven. I can say with the Psalmist in Psalm 42 and 43:

Why are you downcast, O my
           soul?
  Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
  for I will yet praise him,
  my Savior and my God.

The above passage is repeated three times in the two chapters, and at one point, the writer says:

My soul is downcast within me;
  therefore I will remember you . . .

Today, I will remember all God has done for me, and I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Treatment Update

Update on my treatment plan: I just had my third high dose radiation on Monday. It was a long day, but everything went very well again. Erik stopped by for a couple of hours; it was nice to have him and Ken there, keeping me company when possible. They managed to play a game of Scrabble on my Kindle, so that helped pass the time.

Dr. Bier, my radiology oncologist, has decided to have me come in for one extra HDR treatment--five instead of four. My fourth one will be tomorrow--Thursday--and the last one will be next Tuesday.

I am going to work today..will try to get a full day in. I'm afraid I'm getting used to a nap in the afternoon. Seems I get tired easily. But I'm going to try it and trust God to give me strength.

And it is good for me to remember from where my strength comes.

   This is what the Sovereign
LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your
       salvation,
  in quietness and trust is your
        strength, . . .(Isaiah 30:15)

Repentance and rest, quietness and trust--that is where I need to look for my strength. These are inner pursuits, inner states of being, not external striving or worldly accomplishments. May God help me today to keep my focus on Him and trust him to guide me as I draw strength from Him. 

God cometh in that cloud

One of my favorite devotion books is Streams in the Desert, compiled by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. I have received so much comfort and peace from the writings there. Today, as I was thinking about the cloud that has settled on our lives (Ken's and mine), I fondly remembered this devotion we read so early in our journey. We were especially moved by the poem (anonymous author) "Hast thou a cloud?". It was precious to both Ken and I and seemed to speak to our particular situation.

It's a reminder to me that God is in the cloud, not on the other side of it, but in the cloud. Just like Jesus was in the storm with the disciples. He didn't show up after the storm, but He was with them through it, and He brought them through it safely.

Today, I am grateful for my cloud, and I'm trusting that God will show me treasures in the darkness, in the cloud. I am not afraid.
 ____________________________
The following passage is from Streams in the Desert, August 22.

Treasures in the Darkness

"Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was" (Exod. 20:21).

God has still His hidden secrets, hidden from the wise and prudent. Do not fear them; be content to accept things that you cannot understand; wait patiently. Presently He will reveal to you the treasures of darkness, the riches of the glory of the mystery. Mystery is only the veil of God's face.

Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you; but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings." When you seem loneliest and most forsaken, God is nigh. He is in the dark cloud. Plunge into the blackness of its darkness without flinching; under the shrouding curtain of His pavilion you will find God awaiting you.  --Selected

"Hast thou a cloud?
Something that is dark and full of dread;
A messenger of tempest overhead?
A something that is darkening the sky;
A something growing darker bye and bye;
A something that thou fear'st will burst at last;
A cloud that doth a deep, long shadow cast,
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
It is Jehovah's triumph car: in this
He rideth to thee, o'er the wide abyss.
It is the robe in which He wraps His form;
For He doth gird Him with the flashing storm.
It is the veil in which He hides the light
Of His fair face, too dazzling for thy sight.
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
A trial that is terrible to thee?
A black temptation threatening to see?
A loss of some dear one long thine own?
A mist, a veiling, bringing the unknown?
A mystery that unsubstantial seems:
A cloud between thee and the sun's bright beams?
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
A sickness--weak old age--distress and death?
These clouds will scatter at thy last faint breath.
Fear not the clouds that hover o'er thy barque,
Making the harbour's entrance dire and dark;
The cloud of death, though misty, chill and cold,
Will yet grow radiant with a fringe of gold.
GOD cometh in that cloud."

As Dr. C. stood on a high peak of the Rocky Mountains watching a storm raging below him, an eagle came up through the clouds, and soared away towards the sun and the water upon him glistened in the sunlight like diamonds. Had it not been for the storm he might have remained in the valley. The sorrows of life cause us to rise towards God.

HDR Experience--Treatment Update

I'm at home today..just finished taking my third nap, and even ate a little today.

I have finished 25 external radiation treatments, 6 chemotherapy treatments, and one HDR (high dose radiation) treatment. Three more HDRs to go, this Friday and then next Monday and Thursday. I'm looking forward to being finished with the treatments.

Yesterday was more grueling than I thought it would be. Ken and I were at the Day Unit at 5:30 a.m., and we left the hospital around 4 or 4:30. The nurses started prepping me right away for the surgery (where they put in tubes through which they would place the radiation). After the surgery, I went to a recovery room where I was given lots of drugs to alleviate cramping. Once the tubes were in, I had a CT scan. Part of the day is where the doctor and physicists engage in a planning where exactly and how deep to plant the radiation. That took around 2 hours. (I told them to take their time--want to make sure they get it right the first time!) Finally the radiation treatment itself only takes around 10 or 15 minutes. Then back to a day unit room where we wait until it's time to remove tubes, etc. The nurse gave me some morphine just before that to help with the pain. I'm still feeling woozy from all the drugs. Maybe Friday I should try it with a little less drugs. I don't seem to shake all that off as easily as some people do.

I'm not looking forward to doing this again on Friday, but I know it's necessary. I appreciate Ken being there with me through it all and I consider how long the day was for him! I slept most of the time--and when I wasn't sleeping, I was in no shape to play Scrabble on my Kindle with Ken.

Drifting in and out of sleep and lying still all day, I was aware of God's presence with me, too. I love the way I can speak to Him and meditate on Him in my heart, without saying a single word or doing a thing. Ken read me a couple of Psalms the night before my first HDR treatment. I was a little nervous, not knowing exactly what to expect.

This passage was a comfort to me:

Psalm 5:11-12
11  But let all who take refuge in you
          be glad;
   let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over
           them,
   that those who love your
        name may rejoice in you.
12  For surely, O LORD, you bless the
        righteous;
       you surround them with your
     favor as with a shield.

(Righteous only because of Jesus' death and resurrection and God's grace!!)

Reflecting on Isaiah

Isaiah 66:2b
"This is the one I esteem:
  he who is humble and contrite
       in spirit,
  and trembles at my word."

I have just finished studying Isaiah this past year with a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group. It was amazing! It's my sixth year with that group. I started with Genesis, then Romans, Matthew, the Life of Moses, John and then Isaiah this year. The study is quite intense, with a weekly lecture, daily lessons for individual study, discussions with the same group of 12-15 women each week before the lecture, and notes that provide background and some commentary on what we are reading. I have never felt as though I do justice to the studies regarding the time I commit to them, but I still glean so much--I'm especially blessed by how much of God's character shines through His Word. With our limited human understanding, much of the material is difficult to grasp, but it's amazing to me, that with the Holy Spirit's guidance, His Word does speak to me (and each of us) personally, individually.

One of the main things I come away with this year is an even deeper respect and awe for God's Word. It is rich with wisdom and revelation of God's character, especially in terms of His salvation and his judgment, neither of which can exist without the other and both of which are essential for His redemptive plan for mankind and the the heavens and earth. Along with that, is the truth that God is Sovereign over all; He created us and the heavens and the earth and He is fully in control of all that happens, whether to people, nations, the earth/nature, and every living thing. Another thing is a deep awareness of my own sin and dependence on and need for God's mercy and grace; my faith was strengthened by reading and reflecting on the many passages relating to Jesus, the Suffering Servant and King.

As I write on my blog, I am so aware of how limited my understanding is and wonder how I can even discuss (even with humility) the things of God here with a right conscience. My prayer is that anything I write will glorify God. One of the ways I believe God is looking out for me as I write is that often after I have written here, sometime during the next few days, the Lord will provide new insight for me about something I have written.

Two examples: In my "Bread" blog entry, I wrote that I desire to worship God in Spirit and in Truth. Yesterday, I listened to a podcast by RC Sproul ("Renewing Your Mind) where he expounded on that very scripture, explaining what it means to worship in Spirit and in Truth (essentially, with my heart and according to the Truth of God's Word). What a blessing!

In the next podcast I listened to, Sproul (who is a distinguished Bible teacher), confessed his own questioning about who he is to teach the Bible to others. I liked so much what he said at the end of his reflection on his sense of humility. He said, "In the end, I'm just a beggar showing other beggars where to get bread!"

Feeling so grateful today...God's blessings are abundant in my life..Praise Him!!

God Is in Control

When I first found out I had cancer, I remember listening to a 4-part podcast series by Ravi Zacharias called "Just Thinking." The parts are only around 13 minutes each. This one was on "Though the Fig Tree Does Not Bloom" (anyone read Habakkuk in the Old Testament--short book, powerful message?).

I remember Part 4 of the series really touched my heart, especially the part where Ravi told two stories that illustrated how God is in control of our destinies. I listened to those stories several times during those first difficult days and weeks, usually with a few tears present.

I want to share with others the two stories he told (and to remember them), so I have taken the liberty of trimming the excerpt to include only the two stories. It's about 6 minutes long--and well worth taking the time to listen. I left the identifier at the beginning to give credit where due.

To listen to the stories, you don't need to download the file--just click the download link and then open with Windows Media Player--or whatever player you use. Listen by following this link.

Also, if you want to hear the entire message--or sign up for Ravi's podcast (I listen with my iPod in the car usually), you can go to his Web site.

Isaiah 46:4
Even to your old age and gray hairs
   I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
  I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Update on Treatment

I had a difficult weekend, but feel better today. Slept a lot this weekend (sleep is precious and restorative--I am grateful). I still don't have an appetite--have lost around 15 pounds, which is probably a good thing, but I need to eat, I know.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is my last day of the daily external radiation and my last day of chemo! Then I will have 4 treatments of internal radiation over two weeks, starting May 9.

May 19 will be my last treatment! Only 17 days away. Praise God.

I am so grateful for all the people who He has led to pray for me and to support me during this time. Some physical comforts have been welcome, as well.
...Candy, my sister who lives in Idaho, sent me a very large, very beautiful multi-colored quilt that I have had on my bed at Erik's apartment ever since I started spending my weeks in Fargo. I am convinced that that quilt is why I have slept so well there.
...And for Christmas, Dawn, another sister, sent me a lovely, warm throw with a verse from Matthew on it: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow." I remember asking Ken to read it to me one day when I was feeling so sick and he was covering me up with it..so encouraging and so nice to wrap up in it.
...Of course, I can't forget my Nurse Minnie that Ken bought me. She has come to chemo treatments with me every time (the nurses love her).
...And baskets from my friends at Bible study, dropped off for me at the hospital for those long chemo afternoons. The visits from Erik, Lisa, and once even Sophia were welcome, too.
...And all the meals from women at our church have been wonderful. Not a weekend has gone by without meals being dropped off. Ken has been eating well, despite my lack of interest in food. It's been great not to have to think about meals.
...Can't forget letters from Ellie--those have come at just the right times and never cease to make me smile and bring me deep joy. The pictures Candy sent me last week of some of us when we were little--brother and sisters--also made me smile (and, I admit, cry just a little).
...A bracelet and lovely card from Bev last week. And so many, many cards and well wishes. They have not stopped coming.
...Lisa made me a "mom" scrapbook page that beautifully expresses her love for me.
...and talk about physical comforts, it's a great blessing to have Ken near me and walking through this cloud with me. God is good!

So many blessings..so grateful..again, I say, God is good. I am overwhelmed..

Bread

May 2--and we awakened to snow yesterday. It's early today (6:30 a.m.), and, looking out from our sun porch windows, it looks beautiful outside. The snow is all but gone and the grass is greener for it, no wind, clear sky, the trees are budding out, the birds are chirping. Doesn't it seem that things we must wait for (especially those we admit to having no control over) are sweeter once we have them? However, the things we wait for and experience here on earth, as sweet as they are, are fleeting, temporary, and never really quench our longing for more. We wait for good weather, for weekends and holidays and vacations, for better health or a better body, for a career or retirement, for marriage or divorce, for children, for birthdays (depending on which one it is), for that next toy that will make us happy and content.

I wonder why I so seldom wait for God, but most often busy myself with the cares of this world. The outcomes and benefits of waiting for God are not fleeting or temporary, but lasting and permanent. I don't think waiting for God is a passive activity, I think it's more like waiting in anticipation, listening for Him, watching for Him, seeking and longing to see His glory, to see Him and to know him in our daily lives, seeking His wisdom and understanding, so different from ours. Meditating on Isaiah 55 again these past few days--God's invitation to the Thirsty,

1 Come, all you who are thirsty,
  come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
  come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
  without money and without
      cost.
2 Why spend money on what is not
      bread,
   and your labor on what does
       not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what
     is good,
and your soul will delight in the
    richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
  hear me, that your soul may live.
. . . 6 Seek the Lord while he may be
         found;
   call on him while he is near.

Bread and wine and milk--staples for the Israelites, essential for sustaining life, physical life. But God has given us, his created beings, souls as well as bodies, souls that need sustenance. Restless souls. Our heart is restless, St. Augustine wrote, until it rests in thee. (see this passage from his Confessions, where Augustine wrestles with how to seek/experience God).

In John 6: 25-59, Jesus claims he is the bread of life. His words hearken back to Isaiah 55 (above). The time was after the feeding of the 5,000, and such a miracle did cause the people to seek out Jesus. When they found him, he told them they were not seeking him because they saw miraculous signs, but because they had eaten the loaves and had their fill. Jesus goes on to say,

27 Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. . . . The work of God is this: to believe in the one he sent.

But the people wanted more miraculous signs and asked Jesus what he would do so they could see and believe. They reminded Jesus of the miracle of manna in the desert, still concerned with their physical needs, and ironically, not realizing they were speaking to the very One who provided the manna in the desert.

Jesus replies that God gives us the true bread from heaven and that it is He, Jesus, "who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."

35 Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. . . . 44 No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him . . . Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me . . . 47 I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life. I am the bread of life. Your forefathers ate the manna in the desert, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which a man may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world."

As if these words were not radical enough, Jesus went on to say, "The Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing" (v. 63). Shocking statement. The flesh counts for nothing? What are we without our flesh, our physical bodies living in a physical world? All my strivings, my acquisitions, my accomplishments are as nothing? A turning point in Jesus' ministry, "many disciples turned back and no longer followed him" after hearing this "hard teaching."

I think it's the same today. Much of Jesus' teaching is still hard teaching. We still seek blessings we can see and hear, taste and touch. Prosperity, long life (how we cling to life), security, justice (on our terms), happiness and good health and easy paths to what we desire. And, even as Christians, we often hear what we want to hear, overlooking the hard parts of Jesus' teaching.

My prayer today is that I may truly seek God and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth, as He desires. Without the Holy Spirit, who guides us into all truth, my efforts would be futile, but I trust in God's faithfulness.

From Isaiah 33

6 He [is] the sure foundation for
       [my] times,
a rich store of salvation and
       wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the LORD is the key
         to this treasure.