This morning, I received calls from the Cancer Center, and I will start treatment tomorrow. Ken and I will go in a little before 8 a.m. for education about chemo, followed by my first chemo treatment, which takes (I think) at least a couple of hours. I will also have my first radiation treatment tomorrow. The plan is that Ken will be with me this first day, and we will return home when we are finished.
Please pray that my body will tolerate the treatment well; that it will kill the cancer cells, but do little other damage; and that I will be able to continue to work during the weeks ahead.
I continue to believe God is in control, and I'm trusting Him for peace and strength, as I start on this path. I really mean as "we" start on this path. I know Ken won't leave my side (metaphorically speaking), and I am so aware of all the love and support my family and friends are sending my way.
Thank you for your prayers!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
"Have you not heard?"
This week, I will start treatment: probably, 5 weeks of external radiation concurrent with 1 chemo treatment each week, followed by 4-5 treatments of internal radiation, given over 2-3 weeks.
Sounds a little daunting, doesn't it? One thing I have learned during the past week is that I must be selfish during the next 7-8 weeks. By selfish, I mean I need to spend time with God on a daily basis, and stay in His Word. I have missed a few days of quiet time, and already I feel the world's pressures, my own fears and insecurities, and even the pain of seeing those I love suffer threatening to overwhelm me.
I have so many good things in my life--family (fantastic husband, kids, grandkids), friends, church, my home, BSF (my Bible study group) are just a few. But here's a verse from Psalm 16 I have highlighted in my Bible:
Chapter 40 in Isaiah puts things in a different perspective, when God questions us, asking us to consider who or what might be compared to Him. An amazing chapter, He beings by proclaiming comfort for God's people and prophesying about the coming of John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus. Then in verses 6-8, the familiar passage about how "All men are like grass . . . the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." From verse 12 until the end of the chapter, God asks a series of questions that continue to illustrate His greatness and our smallness. Big topics--even for us, who think we are so wise!--creation, knowledge, the nations:
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who can fathom the Spirit[a] of the LORD,
or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
or showed him the path of understanding?
15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;
they are regarded by him as worthless
and less than nothing.
18 With whom, then, will you compare God?
To what image will you liken him?
. . .
21 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
25 “To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
Men like grasshoppers? Holds the waters in the hollow of His hand? Nations like a drop in the bucket? That's the God I serve--the One who cares for me! I remember when I studied this chapter a few weeks ago, I could not help but put my name in place of "Jacob" and "Israel" in verse 27 (below). My way is not hidden from the Lord. He knows exactly what is going on in my life at this moment and every moment. And I praise Him!
27 Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
God must have been at work when His Word was separated into chapters and verses, because this chapter seems so complete to me. It begins with comfort, goes on to illustrate the incomparable greatness of God and our place in His plan, and it ends with not only more comfort, but also the promise of strength for those who hope in the Lord.
When I started writing this blog post today, I had something different in mind and was not even thinking of Chapter 40 of Isaiah. (In fact, I had to change the title of the blog : ) But praise God that He knows what we need and when we need it. So many questions He presents to us in this passage of scripture, but the one--and only--answer is that people need the Lord.
May God bless all of you today . . . I appreciate so much your support and prayers and thoughtfulness!
(OK..I'm ready for this week.)
_______________________________________________
(added 3/31/11)
*I called these wonderful gifts, but Charles Spurgeon says our loved ones, friends, and earthly comforts "are not gifts, for all that we possess is God's property. He has only lent them, and what he lends He has a right to take." Spurgeon reminds us (as others have done), to "hold all things loosely. Look at them as fleeting ; never expect them to remain." Good advice, but hard to follow. We hold things so tightly in this world--and, interestingly, at the same time we are holding things tightly, most of us as looking to see what else we can/should have, thinking maybe that next thing or person will make me happy. What a sense of peace it brings to know we are in God's hands, everything belongs to Him, and we can trust Him with not only all we have and don't have, but our very lives, body and soul. Praise Him!
Sounds a little daunting, doesn't it? One thing I have learned during the past week is that I must be selfish during the next 7-8 weeks. By selfish, I mean I need to spend time with God on a daily basis, and stay in His Word. I have missed a few days of quiet time, and already I feel the world's pressures, my own fears and insecurities, and even the pain of seeing those I love suffer threatening to overwhelm me.
I have so many good things in my life--family (fantastic husband, kids, grandkids), friends, church, my home, BSF (my Bible study group) are just a few. But here's a verse from Psalm 16 I have highlighted in my Bible:
You are my Lord;Perhaps the psalmist is not saying all the things we value in our earthly lives are not good (some, like our family and friends, are truly wonderful gifts* from God), but that apart from God, they are not good, implying that once He gives us a glimpse of His incomparable goodness, we realize the things of earth--even the best things--truly cannot compare to Him in all His fullness and glory. As humans, we have such a high regard for the things we value, and it almost seems sacrilegious to call those things"not good."
apart from you I have no good thing.
Chapter 40 in Isaiah puts things in a different perspective, when God questions us, asking us to consider who or what might be compared to Him. An amazing chapter, He beings by proclaiming comfort for God's people and prophesying about the coming of John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus. Then in verses 6-8, the familiar passage about how "All men are like grass . . . the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." From verse 12 until the end of the chapter, God asks a series of questions that continue to illustrate His greatness and our smallness. Big topics--even for us, who think we are so wise!--creation, knowledge, the nations:
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who can fathom the Spirit[a] of the LORD,
or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
or showed him the path of understanding?
15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;
they are regarded by him as worthless
and less than nothing.
18 With whom, then, will you compare God?
To what image will you liken him?
. . .
21 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
25 “To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
Men like grasshoppers? Holds the waters in the hollow of His hand? Nations like a drop in the bucket? That's the God I serve--the One who cares for me! I remember when I studied this chapter a few weeks ago, I could not help but put my name in place of "Jacob" and "Israel" in verse 27 (below). My way is not hidden from the Lord. He knows exactly what is going on in my life at this moment and every moment. And I praise Him!
27 Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
God must have been at work when His Word was separated into chapters and verses, because this chapter seems so complete to me. It begins with comfort, goes on to illustrate the incomparable greatness of God and our place in His plan, and it ends with not only more comfort, but also the promise of strength for those who hope in the Lord.
When I started writing this blog post today, I had something different in mind and was not even thinking of Chapter 40 of Isaiah. (In fact, I had to change the title of the blog : ) But praise God that He knows what we need and when we need it. So many questions He presents to us in this passage of scripture, but the one--and only--answer is that people need the Lord.
May God bless all of you today . . . I appreciate so much your support and prayers and thoughtfulness!
(OK..I'm ready for this week.)
_______________________________________________
(added 3/31/11)
*I called these wonderful gifts, but Charles Spurgeon says our loved ones, friends, and earthly comforts "are not gifts, for all that we possess is God's property. He has only lent them, and what he lends He has a right to take." Spurgeon reminds us (as others have done), to "hold all things loosely. Look at them as fleeting ; never expect them to remain." Good advice, but hard to follow. We hold things so tightly in this world--and, interestingly, at the same time we are holding things tightly, most of us as looking to see what else we can/should have, thinking maybe that next thing or person will make me happy. What a sense of peace it brings to know we are in God's hands, everything belongs to Him, and we can trust Him with not only all we have and don't have, but our very lives, body and soul. Praise Him!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Church on the Beach - A Treasured Memory
I have already written a little about my early experiences of learning I had cancer, but I have not yet recorded a precious memory and I want to do that now.
I learned I had cancer on Thursday, February 10. Ken and I were staying in downtown San Diego, where Ken was attending a conference. On Friday, the conference was over, so we moved to the Beach Cottages on Mission Bay, a place where we had stayed a couple of times before and loved it. We moved into a room on the third floor with patio doors we could open to see and hear the ocean. The motel complex is on the beach, with almost three miles of boardwalk just outside the gate. It is beautiful.
We knew this time our short stay there would be bittersweet, since just the day before, we had learned about the battle before us.
Although we thought about finding a church to attend on Sunday, we decided to stay on the beach, since we had so little time there. Sunday morning came, and around 8:30 or so, we decided to walk down the boardwalk to our favorite breakfast place, Kono's, which not only has great food, but also outside seating where we could eat and enjoy the ocean. But coffee first.
We opened the gate and walked out onto the boardwalk. Directly in front of us was a church. God brought church to us!
Although we thought about finding a church to attend on Sunday, we decided to stay on the beach, since we had so little time there. Sunday morning came, and around 8:30 or so, we decided to walk down the boardwalk to our favorite breakfast place, Kono's, which not only has great food, but also outside seating where we could eat and enjoy the ocean. But coffee first.
We opened the gate and walked out onto the boardwalk. Directly in front of us was a church. God brought church to us!
Around 40 or so folding chairs were set up under a tent. Bibles were placed on the chairs, and there was a pulpit and a sound system. A few people were milling around and we approached one of the men, who we learned was the pastor. He said church started in 10 minutes and we were welcome to stay. I asked what he was preaching on, and he said Philippians, chapter 4. My stomach did flip-flops, and one of my favorite passages quickly came to mind:
6 Do not be anxious about anything,
but in every situation,
by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds
in Christ Jesus.
A familiar passage, one repeated often, but in my present circumstances, it took on new meaning, personal and powerful.
We had time to get a cup of coffee and then found some seats and waited for the service to start. It was a wonderful service. We sang some familiar choruses; I remember one was “Here I Am to Worship,” a beautiful song of praise. Then the pastor prayed, and I mostly remember him praying that God would speak through him and that it would not be him speaking, but that God’s Word would go forth through Him. From my perspective, that’s exactly what happened. It seemed the entire message was the nearly undiluted Word of God. He reviewed the earlier chapters in Philippians and then spent extra time on the fourth chapter. I remember I closed my eyes through most of the message, and it was as if God’s Word was washing over me, filling me with His peace, His strength, His love and comfort.
As a backdrop for the proclamation of God's Word, the sand at our feet, the vast ocean and sky, the rhythm and sound of the waves all made the whole experience unique and very special. I will always believe God brought church to us that morning on the beach to help us prepare for what was coming, to comfort us, to remind us that He is in control and we are to look to Him for help, for strength, and for peace in the midst of our trouble.
From Isaiah 55. . .
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Praise Him!
Getting Connected at the Roger Maris Cancer Center
Last week, Ken and I met my new medical oncologist, Dr. Snow, at the Roger Maris Cancer Center. We liked her very much. She spent almost two hours with us and answered so many questions. Early this coming Tuesday morning, Ken and I will meet with a radiology oncologist, Dr. Bier. Treatment will likely consist of concurrent chemo and radiation for six weeks. I will receive the radiation treatments daily (M-F) and the chemo once a week. I will probably start treatments the week following next week.
Please pray that I will tolerate the chemo-radiation well (few side effects) and that my body will respond to the treatment.
Please pray that I will tolerate the chemo-radiation well (few side effects) and that my body will respond to the treatment.
Thank you for your prayers and support!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Jehovah-Jireh
I'm finally getting around to a post. It's been a good day, from a massage this morning to wonderful cards in the mail to coming back to work. And great news--I have an appointment at Roger Maris Cancer Center (RMCC) for 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. It will be good to finally get started with treatment. I'm meeting with a medical oncologist (who, I am told, studied at Mayo).
I have felt as though I've been on a roller coaster this past 5 weeks, but suddenly this morning I realized how everything is perfectly in place for me to move forward with treatment in a well-informed manner. The doctor I will see tomorrow has everything--from Mayo, from Sioux Falls, and from Sanford in Fargo--that she needs to get me started. I can only stand back in awe as I see how complete my preparation has been and how God has worked in every circumstance.
I am reminded of one day, shortly after I learned I had cancer, when I became so aware of the extent of God's provision. I received two long e-mails that day, from two women/friends who have cancer. One woman told me about her experiences with Mayo, Rochester (even where to stay and how to get around). The other e-mail contained spiritual encouragement. After reading those e-mails, I was struck by how complete God's provision is (Jehovah-Jireh, another name for God, means "God our Provider"). That day--and the days following, in so many ways--He provided me with practical, physical information as well as spiritual help and encouragement and, of course, much love and concern expressed by those closest to me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
Thanks to everyone and thanks to God for EVERYTHING!
I have felt as though I've been on a roller coaster this past 5 weeks, but suddenly this morning I realized how everything is perfectly in place for me to move forward with treatment in a well-informed manner. The doctor I will see tomorrow has everything--from Mayo, from Sioux Falls, and from Sanford in Fargo--that she needs to get me started. I can only stand back in awe as I see how complete my preparation has been and how God has worked in every circumstance.
I am reminded of one day, shortly after I learned I had cancer, when I became so aware of the extent of God's provision. I received two long e-mails that day, from two women/friends who have cancer. One woman told me about her experiences with Mayo, Rochester (even where to stay and how to get around). The other e-mail contained spiritual encouragement. After reading those e-mails, I was struck by how complete God's provision is (Jehovah-Jireh, another name for God, means "God our Provider"). That day--and the days following, in so many ways--He provided me with practical, physical information as well as spiritual help and encouragement and, of course, much love and concern expressed by those closest to me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
And my God will meet all your needsI received several wonderful cards today--my favorite, of course, is the picture and message from my 8-year old granddaughter, Ellie. I think I'm going to have to frame it; it's so colorful and encouraging (love those ruby slippers!). Another card says,
according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19
"From one daughter of the King to another . . .After reading that card, I told Ken this morning I was feeling like a spoiled princess, so abundantly blessed. I live in a country where I am able to receive the best medical care in the world, and I have a fantastic support system--my husband, children, grandchildren, sisters (five terrific sisters!), a brother, parents and other family members, church friends/family, BSF group members, co-workers, and the list goes on. As if that's not enough, I have nothing to fear, since whatever happens to me has already passed through my Father's hands.
I'm talking to our Father about you.
He says He'll take care of everything."
Thanks to everyone and thanks to God for EVERYTHING!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Post-Mayo
4:30 PM Well, we just returned to our hotel room. The doctors did an exam and found that the cancer has spread to an area that does not respond to surgery. As a result, we are heading back to Fargo to begin radiation and chemo treatments. This is still very treatable and the doctors have assured us that this treatment will have the same level of results as surgery. We feel good that the initial diagnosis is confirmed and that we have explored all avenues of treatment available. The doctors and staff here are awesome, very efficient: I hardly was able to read the newspaper before they had us on the move again.
Sheree says hi to all, but she is very tired and taking a nap.
We had a pastor come in this morning and she read a verse from Psalms that was the very one we read this morning before coming to the hospital. "God is our refuge and strength a very present help in time of trouble." I was struck by the promise of a present help, not some future help or when all else fails help, but present help right when we need it. Praise God.
Ken
Sheree says hi to all, but she is very tired and taking a nap.
We had a pastor come in this morning and she read a verse from Psalms that was the very one we read this morning before coming to the hospital. "God is our refuge and strength a very present help in time of trouble." I was struck by the promise of a present help, not some future help or when all else fails help, but present help right when we need it. Praise God.
Ken
Monday, March 14, 2011
At Mayo
Ken and I are so grateful for all the prayers and comfort we are receiving from family and friends. What a blessing you are! And I am so blessed to have Ken with me at every step. He has not left my side.
My Mayo appt. was early this morning. The doctor took time to talk to us about everything and convinced us that surgery is our best option right now (although the doctor in Sioux Falls said she would not recommend surgery). During the surgery, the questionable lymph node can be tested to see if it is positive or negative for cancer, and that will determine the extent of the surgery. If it's negative, it could mean no chemo or radiation. If it's positive, I will probably need some radiation treatments.
Whatever happens, it feels very good to finally be *doing* something. It's been a long month.
Ken and I read a devotion in a book of Charles Spurgeon writings today, and my verse for today is Psalm 46:1-3.
beyond the blessedness of these assurances?" What a question!
I am so focused right now on my medical situation, but at the same time, I am keenly aware of the disaster in Japan, as we all are. These verses brought that disaster to my mind; it's difficult to imagine living through such a catastrophic event. But even through all of that, God says, He is a "very present help in trouble," not distant and unreachable, for His people. And that promise pertains to whatever the catastrophe--whether caused by some external force (like nature) or an internal force (abnormal cells in my body).
I keep thinking I should be afraid, but it's a little hard to be afraid when I have such a personal, powerful, loving Father. And it's true--what more could my heart desire or my mind conceive?
God be with all of you..see you soon!
My Mayo appt. was early this morning. The doctor took time to talk to us about everything and convinced us that surgery is our best option right now (although the doctor in Sioux Falls said she would not recommend surgery). During the surgery, the questionable lymph node can be tested to see if it is positive or negative for cancer, and that will determine the extent of the surgery. If it's negative, it could mean no chemo or radiation. If it's positive, I will probably need some radiation treatments.
Whatever happens, it feels very good to finally be *doing* something. It's been a long month.
Ken and I read a devotion in a book of Charles Spurgeon writings today, and my verse for today is Psalm 46:1-3.
God is our refuge and strength,He goes on to say, "What could your heart desire or your mind conceive
a very present help in trouble,
therefore we will not fear,
even though the earth be removed,
and though the mountains
be carried into the midst of the sea;
though its waters roar and be
troubled,
though the mountains shake
with its swelling.
beyond the blessedness of these assurances?" What a question!
I am so focused right now on my medical situation, but at the same time, I am keenly aware of the disaster in Japan, as we all are. These verses brought that disaster to my mind; it's difficult to imagine living through such a catastrophic event. But even through all of that, God says, He is a "very present help in trouble," not distant and unreachable, for His people. And that promise pertains to whatever the catastrophe--whether caused by some external force (like nature) or an internal force (abnormal cells in my body).
I keep thinking I should be afraid, but it's a little hard to be afraid when I have such a personal, powerful, loving Father. And it's true--what more could my heart desire or my mind conceive?
God be with all of you..see you soon!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Before Mayo
Well, we are off to Mayo tomorrow. I'm ready--it seems I've been doing a lot of waiting lately. I should say "we've" been doing a lot of waiting, since Ken has not left my side. His support, strength, and love go way beyond words.
The doctor at Sioux Falls confirmed my staging at a IIB and gave her recommendations for treatment--concurrent radiation and low-dose chemo followed by internal radiation. From what I can gather from the articles and research I have read (albeit not carefully or with any medical knowledge), it seems like the best course of action. The tumor inside me (I'm not calling it "my tumor" or "my cancer" anymore--those terms seem to imply they belong to me when actually they are foreign to my body, invading it) is a little too large for surgery and they found one positive node, which is cause for concern. A couple of nights ago, I put the PET scan CD in my computer and managed to find images of the tumor and the positive node. It was sobering, but a little empowering to see my "enemies" with my own eyes.
After traveling to Sioux Falls, Ken and I feel sure that God is guiding us to seek a second opinion at Mayo Clinic. One of the things I am trying not to do is focus on percentages or survival rates. This is my personal battle and I have God on my side, who is Jehovah-Rapha--"the God that healeth me." I am thoroughly convinced that God is walking this road with me, that He knows not only where it leads, but He knows even the purpose for the journey.
My reference to a "road" reminds me of a passage in Isaiah that meant so much to me some weeks ago, when cancer first came to be my constant companion. In chapter 42, God says:
The doctor at Sioux Falls confirmed my staging at a IIB and gave her recommendations for treatment--concurrent radiation and low-dose chemo followed by internal radiation. From what I can gather from the articles and research I have read (albeit not carefully or with any medical knowledge), it seems like the best course of action. The tumor inside me (I'm not calling it "my tumor" or "my cancer" anymore--those terms seem to imply they belong to me when actually they are foreign to my body, invading it) is a little too large for surgery and they found one positive node, which is cause for concern. A couple of nights ago, I put the PET scan CD in my computer and managed to find images of the tumor and the positive node. It was sobering, but a little empowering to see my "enemies" with my own eyes.
After traveling to Sioux Falls, Ken and I feel sure that God is guiding us to seek a second opinion at Mayo Clinic. One of the things I am trying not to do is focus on percentages or survival rates. This is my personal battle and I have God on my side, who is Jehovah-Rapha--"the God that healeth me." I am thoroughly convinced that God is walking this road with me, that He knows not only where it leads, but He knows even the purpose for the journey.
My reference to a "road" reminds me of a passage in Isaiah that meant so much to me some weeks ago, when cancer first came to be my constant companion. In chapter 42, God says:
I will lead the blind by waysGod goes on to say His servants are those who are blind. He says we "have seen many things, but have paid no attention; our ears are open, but we hear nothing." He calls us to pay close attention, to be obedient, to be aware of our sinful hearts, the fallen world in which we live, and our great need for redemption; to seek His righteousness, and to understand that we were created for His glory. Then, He says,
they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will
guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light
before them
and make the rough places
smooth.
"When you pass through theI suppose the passage about God leading the blind along unfamiliar paths resonated with me because, at that time (and even now sometimes), I felt much like a blind person on an unfamiliar path, stumbling along in the darkness. I have been studying Isaiah all year with my BSF group, and I have been truly awed by how much the material applies to my life, even though it was directed towards the Israelites and their struggles with God, their enemies, one another, themselves. Human struggles. The study has caused me to try to see my own struggles--and even my existence--in a different light..not from my perspective, but from God's. Difficult, but I have had glimpses of understanding. God's Word amazes me.
waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the
rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flamses will not set you
ablaze."
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Ken and I are traveling to Sioux Falls today to visit with a doctor there. I am looking forward to learning more about my condition.
As we are leaving, I keep thinking about what Erik reminded me of yesterday--God is in control no matter how I am feeling. That was a good word for me yesterday--and for today and for tomorrow.
I'm so grateful that Ken is with me and that God goes with us.
As we are leaving, I keep thinking about what Erik reminded me of yesterday--God is in control no matter how I am feeling. That was a good word for me yesterday--and for today and for tomorrow.
I'm so grateful that Ken is with me and that God goes with us.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Remembering Thursday, February 10, 2011
I first found out I had cervical cancer on February 10, 2011, a Thursday. Ken and I were in San Diego, where he was attending a conference. We were staying at a downtown hotel--the Omni, and that morning I had gone down for breakfast, which was provided for the wives as well as the men attending the conference. I went through the buffet and joined a few women sitting around a table. I didn't know any of them at the time. Renae was one of the women there, a woman I came to know fairly well in just a couple of days. Renae was talking about how she lost an infant son some years ago to a disease and how her second son needed a liver transplant when he was 13 months old. I heard her say how thankful she was that God had given her those 13 months with her son before discovering he had a liver disease, knowledge that changed their lives. Her son is 20 now and serving the Lord, even though the doctors said initially that he would not live long.
I was impressed and felt drawn to her. It's all too easy for us to become angry at God or come to the conclusion there is no God or purpose in life when something bad happens to us. Renae was expressing thanks to God and her faith in Him was evident, all of which put her experiences (some very difficult) in a perspective apart from the world's perspective (reminded me of the light and darkness metaphor so prevalent in God's Word). I was compelled to ask her if she was a Christian and was not surprised when she told me she was. To make a long story short, our visit resulted in me telling her I was waiting for a call from a doctor and expressing my anxiety to her. We met and talked several times during the next couple of days, and I was blessed to have a Christian woman to talk with, especially one with the faith and experiences Renae had. After I learned about my diagnosis, I was able to visit with Renae and talk through some of my initial shock and anxiety. I know Renae will remain a friend.
I am confident that God brought Renae to me for such a time as this. Praise Him!
"All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your
thoughts, O God!"
Psalm 139:16-17
I was impressed and felt drawn to her. It's all too easy for us to become angry at God or come to the conclusion there is no God or purpose in life when something bad happens to us. Renae was expressing thanks to God and her faith in Him was evident, all of which put her experiences (some very difficult) in a perspective apart from the world's perspective (reminded me of the light and darkness metaphor so prevalent in God's Word). I was compelled to ask her if she was a Christian and was not surprised when she told me she was. To make a long story short, our visit resulted in me telling her I was waiting for a call from a doctor and expressing my anxiety to her. We met and talked several times during the next couple of days, and I was blessed to have a Christian woman to talk with, especially one with the faith and experiences Renae had. After I learned about my diagnosis, I was able to visit with Renae and talk through some of my initial shock and anxiety. I know Renae will remain a friend.
I am confident that God brought Renae to me for such a time as this. Praise Him!
"All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your
thoughts, O God!"
Psalm 139:16-17
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