As so often happens, God is emphasizing something He wants me to learn. I have been struggling lately, spiritually and emotionally, feeling discouraged. But God is here and He is not silent.
In response to my discouragement, God has sent people to encourage me recently and I want to remember His goodness, so I am recording it here.
My recent discouragement mainly stems from differences of opinion among my family members about how to best care for my mother, whose health is failing while she lives at Bethany nursing home in Fargo. The differences of opinion have caused conflict, anxiety, anger, hurt. My five sisters and my brother have typically been close and supportive of one another, so the situation has been difficult. I am the oldest of the seven, having a controlling spirit (a.k.a. "bossy") and an early history of rebellion, going against the grain, being the "black sheep" of the family.
Lately, I have been questioning my perspectives on the situation, trying to step back and examine my motives for my opinions (as well as my motives for expressing them the way I have) and the overwhelming emotions that I am experiencing. The anger is the most surprising: uninvited, unwanted, unexpected, and impossible to deny. I put away much anger so long ago, and it is strange to experience such strong, negative feelings at this time in my life. Maybe that's why I am having a difficult time dealing with it now.
On the way to work one day not so long ago, I was listening to the radio and heard something that made it clear to me that something I had perceived as right and good was actually not a good thing (at least there was strong evidence showing it was ungodly). (This was something in the world, not something within the personal sphere of my life.) The realization hit me like a ton of bricks (a tired, old expression, but it describes my experience). I was overwhelmed with a sense of shock, surprise--surprise that I could have been so wrong, that my perception was so skewed. It was almost like God audibly said to me, "Look how you so passively accept your human perceptions of what you see and hear and experience in your small world, how your opinions are so easily and quickly formed, how you embrace them--and even share them with others--without questioning them." (Reminds me of Job and how greatly his perspective changed after God spoke to him.)
I arrived at work early that day and had about an hour before my co-worker (we share an office) would arrive. A Christian friend I had not seen for months knocked tentatively at my door. She stopped in to talk with me about something. I could not help but share with her what I had just experienced. She prayed with me while I cried. As she prayed, she shared some spiritual wisdom that undoubtedly was for me, from God at that moment. What has stayed with me most is Isaiah 43, especially this part:
18 “Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
It's difficult to perceive it..lately on my life journey, I have been tripping, stumbling, often falling over my pride, my insecurities, my foolish behavior. But today I choose to believe God is with me, ever near, and that He is doing a new thing in me. I will continue walking, even though I often feel like giving up.
Praise God for not giving up on me!
