During this stressful, difficult year, I have surely had opportunities to do some soul-searching. I barely had time to breathe a sigh of relief about being done with treatment when we (my brother and sisters and I) moved my mother to a nursing home. We took her to the doctor because she was having difficulty breathing and her heart was racing. Mom was admitted to the hospital, and we learned over the next several days she had (has) multiple serious health problems, the worst of which is failing kidneys. After consulting with the doctors and considering Mom's current condition and multiple health issues, we decided not to have her go through dialysis. A difficult decision, but the right one for Mom, we believe. Moving Mom to a nursing home was very stressful for our family, not to mention how hard it was (and is) for Mom. Since there are seven of us children, I suppose it is natural that we would not all perceive the situation in the same way. And I, for one, am not proud of some of the things I said and did during that time. But Mom is settled in her new "home," and Hospice has become involved. We're all trying to spend as much time as we can with her. She is so precious to all of us.
Most of my frustration these days is due to not having enough time. Work, commuting (although I have stayed overnight with my sister in Fargo several times already--a blessing), visiting Mom and attending to issues about her care, and a YMCA wellness program for cancer survivors is keeping me too busy. Lately, I have complained about having to take time to sleep! Although I am feeling very well, I can tell I don't have the energy I used to, and I seem to need my sleep even more than before.
I suppose it's not surprising that I have taken little time for the things of God lately. And I know that it has affected my attitude, my behavior, my ability to respond to stressful situations in a godly way. And it has even affected my ability to be a blessing to my mother during this difficult time in her life. One of the passages our pastor used today during his message was from 2 Timothy: 3:16:
All scripture is God-breathed and is usefulThis scripture reminds me again that I need to be immersed in the Word of God and be in prayer not only, in broad terms, to live a godly life, but also to make it through each day without harming the name of Christ and without becoming discouraged (I want to keep my joy). Undoubtedly, as it rebukes and corrects me (not fun), the Word also strengthens me and helps me to "keep [my] head in all situations" and to "endure hardship" (4:5).
for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
As I think about how I spend my time, I am reminded of the incident recorded in Luke 10 where Jesus came to visit Mary and Martha, two sisters. Martha was busy serving and was upset because Mary was sitting at the Lord's feet. Such a picture of so many of us (like me) today--busy with many good things, but failing to recognize or take time for the one thing that's important.
38Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." 41But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."In church today, we sang a song with these lyrics:
" I see the Lord,
high and lifted up,
high and lifted up,
seated on the throne, of my life.
And He is Holy, Holy, Holy,
seated on the throne of my life."
I closed my eyes while we sang this beautiful chorus, and I let myself imagine such a setting. I am dismayed to to say that I saw not God on the throne of my life, but me on the throne of my life--me stubbornly trying to be in control and keep it all together on my own. In our culture and with our fallen nature, it's so easy to relegate God to the sidelines of our lives, to put ourselves on the throne of our lives.
This was a good day--I am so thankful for God's Word (and for our pastor who preaches the Word in Truth) and for God's love for me. I know He loves me enough to correct me, to draw me unto Himself. In my weakness, He is strong.
May I seek "the good portion" in the coming weeks and trust God to help me. And the next time I sing or think of the lyrics of this song, I will close my eyes and see God on the throne of my life!
