Happy Easter!

I had a wonderful Easter weekend with my family. All five of my children were home, and all but three of the grandkids were here. Church was wonderful (especially with so many of my family members there--what a blessing!).

And I received a special gift from the Lord (all good gifts are from above, right?). My doctor postponed my Friday chemo until Monday (tomorrow morning), so I felt very close to normal all weekend. First time I have had an appetite for more than a week! It was wonderful (even though I think I overdid it a little). We played a game of baseball (well, actually wiffle ball works better for our family--that way there is a little less chance of windows being broken or having the ball hit into the next town : ) We had our traditional Easter egg hunt with clues for the grandkids.

Everything was wonderful--and, with all my heart, I thank my family for this weekend and I thank all those who have been praying and continue to pray for me. I hope you all had a blessed Easter weekend. I feel strengthened for the week ahead.

Monday, April 18

I had chemo again on Friday and had a pretty rough weekend. I did, however, make it to church on Palm Sunday (love waving those palms!). Church was so good--great music, great message by Paster Randy, part of which was about how pragmatism doesn't work. Thought-provoking..I like it when he makes us think. And I especially like the way he never fails to lift up God's Word as the ultimate Truth. (It's the main thing--and, as someone said, "the main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing"!)

Decided to stay home today and rest. Ken drove me to Fargo and back for radiation treatment. Tomorrow I will feel better and will stay in Fargo Tues-Wed-Thurs, God-willing. Then chemo on Friday (my 4th of 6). I am thinking of trying acupuncture this week. A friend told me she has it after chemo and it seems to help her feel better. I guess it doesn't hurt to try it once. I am asking the Lord to grant me some extra energy this weekend, since I received the terrific news that all my kids and their families are coming for Easter weekend! Can't wait! And even more, they are bringing all the food. Ken said if I don't feel well, I can just lay in my bed and hold court : )  (not that I'm the queen or anything).

I haven't been eating very well, but just had part of a Paula's roast beef dinner plate. If you haven't eaten at Paula's restaurant in Mayville, you're in for a treat if you ever get the chance. Although nothing has appealed to me lately, the roast beef and mashed potatoes were really good.

I wish I were stronger, but this is a time I need to trust God more than ever. And I need to embrace this time where I am forced to slow down and to depend on God and others and not so much on myself. It is true that we grow so accustomed to being self-sufficient that it is a difficult thing to become very dependent on God to take us through a difficult time. I think (and surely it's true) the whole self-sufficiency thing is really just an illusion, anyway, but it's a powerful one. Maybe this is God's way of getting me to realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am and to acknowledge I am not my own person, but it is "in Him I live and move and have my being" (Acts 17:28).

May it be to me as it was for Paul:

2 Corinthians 12:9: But he [God] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."


I keep receiving cards and good wishes, and I know so many are praying for me. What a blessing!

May you have a blessed Easter week!

Today

God is gracious--I'm feeling better today. And I woke up with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all He has done, especially how He has provided me with friends and family to hold me up. Sometimes that support seems almost tangible to me.

Praise Him!

Some thoughts about the unseen world..

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 5:16-18

Pastor Randy posted this passage on my Facebook page, and I have been thinking about it, wondering why so many people today seem to be either uninterested in the Bible and the (unseen) God of the Bible or hostile towards God and/or His Word. Yet our culture is so consumed with all things unseen, especially supernatural and fantastic.

    * Ghost, medium, and psychic TV shows
    * Psychic phone lines and fortune tellers
    * Horror movies, adventure movies, fantasy movies, often with Biblical allusions/themes
    * Apocalyptic dramas, usually with Biblical allusions/themes
    * Fantasy movies (where light and good must triumph against dark and evil, also required for most action and adventure movies)
    * Ghost clubs where people get together and explore “supernatural” haunts
    * Adult novels and documentaries
    * Children’s books (remember the wildly popular Goosebumps books?)
    * Role-playing games—video, Internet, and otherwise

The list goes on and on. So where does this fascination come from? I think it’s hard-wired into us; I think that deep down inside our very beings, we know there is much more to our world than what we can see, hear, feel, smell, touch. I believe the above list is evidence that we all have an innate longing to know and understand more about the unseen world that we sense exists, to believe that we were not just made to experience this world with our sensory perceptions, but that there is purpose and meaning here on earth, for us as individuals, that is connected to a very real unseen world. It has always been interesting to me how people who buy into the idea of meaninglessness (which is where every road eventually leads to when the objective existence of absolute truth is not acknowledged) yet live their lives with purpose and meaning (albeit, sometimes their purpose is to convince the rest of us there is no meaning or purpose in life). Without the foundation of absolute truth we can have no grounds for morals, i.e., saying anything is good or bad.

I am partial to Ravi Zacharias and listen to his podcasts. He is asked to speak at universities often, and he tells a story of going to one and being taken on a campus tour of grounds and buildings. They came to one building that he was told was an experiment in architecture. The architect attempted to build a building that would exemplify our postmodern culture. It was built in a chaotic, random way—beams that held nothing up, stairways that went nowhere, halls that were dead-ends or circular—no rhyme or reason. Ravi simply asked whether the foundation of the building was built in the same way.

From the beginning of time, humans have questioned their existence and worked incessantly to make sense of it all through science and religion and so many pursuits of knowledge. And our inner life, minds and souls, are too much a part of us to limit those pursuits to the knowledge of the world we can see and touch. (Actually, it’s our elusive inner selves that engage in those pursuits.) We seek answers about the things we cannot see as well as the things we can see.

With all these questions and longings, it is a wonder to me more people don’t look to the Bible for answers. Still the most popular book on earth, the Holy Bible seems like a logical place to at least investigate. Anyone who has ever read Romans, closely or not, cannot say the Bible is light reading. And talk about ghost stories, action, adventure, romance, horror, prophecy—it’s all there and more. And the Bible is our link between the seen and the unseen world.

As Christians, we recognize the truth of the entire Bible. Jesus knew the scriptures (Old Testament) thoroughly and quoted them often. He applied the scriptures to himself (in Luke 4:18- to himself, claiming he was fulfilling prophecy). God’s Word was the basis, foundation for Jesus’ teachings and for his very life. He did not criticize it or try to change the scriptures, although he surely had issues with some of the ways it was interpreted and taught to the people. Christ spoke the truth (I wonder how many times he began a statement with, “I tell you the truth, . . .”), but, in Himself, he embodies the entirety of God’s True Word. He was/is the Word (from the 1st chapter of John, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God . . . The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.”) And He is the Truth: He says in John 14:6, “I am the way and the truth and the life.”

It is the Holy Spirit who guides us into truth and who quickens our hearts to receive the truth of the Word of God, to make it come alive to us. Maybe it’s that very truth and power that keeps us away from the Word. Seeking to know God is a struggle. The Old Testament is the story of the Israelites’ struggle with God; in fact, the name Israel means “struggles with God.” God’s dealings with the Israelites teaches us much about God and ourselves, and their story is intricately linked to ours.

I am so grateful for God’s Word!

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.

--from Psalm 19
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
  refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
  making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
  giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
  giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
  enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
  and all of them are righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
  than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
  than honey from the honeycomb.
11 By them your servant is warned;
  in keeping them there is great reward.

II Timothy 3:16
16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..

Update

A whole week has passed since I have posted here. It’s been a busy week. I worked at NDSU every day except Friday. The daily trips to Sanford for radiation treatment aren’t very taxing—the radiation itself only takes around 10 minutes, and I don’t find it difficult to lay still for 10 minutes and do nothing. The nurses and technicians are wonderful, as is everyone at the Roger Maris Cancer Center—always going the extra mile, it seems, taking the time to ask me how things are going and answering any questions I have, filling prescriptions. They even have a greeter at the door to welcome people and open doors.

I had some problems with nausea last week—it was worse for a couple of days than for the rest of the week. So the doctor gave me more meds for nausea in my I-V and also has me taking two steroids today and tomorrow (so, of course, I'm working on a long, somewhat disjointed blog post that people may or may not want to read : ) Really, they said, every week of treatment is different as my body responds to the treatment. Some of the effects are cumulative, but they should leave once I stop treatment.

So I’m feeling positive today: 4 more chemo treatments and 4 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation. My blood counts are good (don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds good).

And, of course, the most important thing is that I have God walking right beside me--actually, not just beside me, but above me, below me, all around me, and inside me. Praise Him!

Piece of cake, right?

Thanks to all for everything--prayers, good wishes, hugs, food, cards, flowers (beautiful) fresh flowers delivered to my house this morning from the IT Division at NDSU, and prayers.

Isaiah 54:10

¹⁰ Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Saturday, April 2

What a beautiful, sunny day!

It has been a crazy week. The final word on my treatment plan is five weeks of daily external radiation (M-F), with chemo once a week during that time (we're going to try Fridays). Those five weeks will be followed by 4-5 treatments of internal radiation, God-willing, which is (thankfully) under anesthesia and done twice/week. I have had quite a lot of nausea lately and I'm sleeping a lot, so I'm glad it's a weekend. But I only took two days of sick leave this past week, so that's good. I want to keep working as much as I can. I will need to experiment with the drugs  a little and see what works the best. I might have to try something else for the nausea. I'm wondering now why I was in such a hurry to start treatment. It seems like a long road ahead of me, but I'm going to take it one day at a time and continue to trust God to provide for me and comfort me.

A good word for me today: Jesus says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life . . . do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (from Matthew 6)

It's difficult to stay encouraged, hopeful, and even to think clearly when I don't feel good. But I'm determined to depend on God. Isaiah continues to be a blessing to me. This passage was so meaningful to me this week, as I continue on this unfamiliar path, wondering what the next few weeks will bring:

 ¹⁰ Who among you fears the LORD
   and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the dark,
   who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
   and rely on their God.
¹¹ But now, all you who light fires
   and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
   and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
   You will lie down in torment.

We are all prone to light our own torches and walk in the light of our fires, but, in the end, it leads only to despair. I choose to walk in the light of Jesus, who said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

May that light sustain my family and me during this difficult time. And may I realize that I am living in the light, no matter how I feel or what my circumstances are. Better to be in dire circumstances and walking in God's light than to walk in my own light in favorable circumstances!

Praise Him!

Starting treatment Wednesday, March 30

This morning, I received calls from the Cancer Center, and I will start treatment tomorrow. Ken and I will go in a little before 8 a.m. for education about chemo, followed by my first chemo treatment, which takes (I think) at least a couple of hours. I will also have my first radiation treatment tomorrow. The plan is that Ken will be with me this first day, and we will return home when we are finished.

Please pray that my body will tolerate the treatment well; that it will kill the cancer cells, but do little other damage; and that I will be able to continue to work during the weeks ahead.

I continue to believe God is in control, and I'm trusting Him for peace and strength, as I start on this path. I really mean as "we" start on this path. I know Ken won't leave my side (metaphorically speaking), and I am so aware of all the love and support my family and friends are sending my way.

Thank you for your prayers!

"Have you not heard?"

This week, I will start treatment: probably, 5 weeks of external radiation concurrent with 1 chemo treatment each week, followed by 4-5 treatments of internal radiation, given over 2-3 weeks.

Sounds a little daunting, doesn't it? One thing I have learned during the past week is that I must be selfish during the next 7-8 weeks. By selfish, I mean I need to spend time with God on a daily basis, and stay in His Word. I have missed a few days of quiet time, and already I feel the world's pressures, my own fears and insecurities, and even the pain of seeing those I love suffer threatening to overwhelm me.

I have so many good things in my life--family (fantastic husband, kids, grandkids), friends, church, my home, BSF (my Bible study group) are just a few. But here's a verse from Psalm 16 I have highlighted in my Bible:

You are my Lord;
   apart from you I have no good thing.

Perhaps the psalmist is not saying all the things we value in our earthly lives are not good (some, like our family and friends, are truly wonderful gifts* from God), but that apart from God, they are not good, implying that once He gives us a glimpse of His incomparable goodness, we realize the things of earth--even the best things--truly cannot compare to Him in all His fullness and glory. As humans, we have such a high regard for the things we value, and it almost seems sacrilegious to call those things"not good."

Chapter 40 in Isaiah puts things in a different perspective, when God questions us, asking us to consider who or what might be compared to Him. An amazing chapter, He beings by proclaiming comfort for God's people and prophesying about the coming of John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus. Then in verses 6-8, the familiar passage about how "All men are like grass . . . the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." From verse 12 until the end of the chapter, God asks a series of questions that continue to illustrate His greatness and our smallness. Big topics--even for us, who think we are so wise!--creation, knowledge, the nations:

 ¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[a] of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?
 ¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.
 ¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
^{. . . 
 21} Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
 ²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.

Men like grasshoppers? Holds the waters in the hollow of His hand? Nations like a drop in the bucket? That's the God I serve--the One who cares for me! I remember when I studied this chapter a few weeks ago, I could not help but put my name in place of "Jacob" and "Israel" in verse 27 (below). My way is not hidden from the Lord. He knows exactly what is going on in my life at this moment and every moment. And I praise Him!

 ²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

 God must have been at work when His Word was separated into chapters and verses, because this chapter seems so complete to me. It begins with comfort, goes on to illustrate the incomparable greatness of God and our place in His plan, and it ends with not only more comfort, but also the promise of strength for those who hope in the Lord.

When I started writing this blog post today, I had something different in mind and was not even thinking of Chapter 40 of Isaiah. (In fact, I had to change the title of the blog : )  But praise God that He knows what we need and when we need it. So many questions He presents to us in this passage of scripture, but the one--and only--answer is that people need the Lord.

May God bless all of you today . . . I appreciate so much your support and prayers and thoughtfulness!

(OK..I'm ready for this week.)
 _______________________________________________
(added 3/31/11)
*I called these wonderful gifts, but Charles Spurgeon says our loved ones, friends, and earthly comforts "are not gifts, for all that we possess is God's property. He has only lent them, and what he lends He has a right to take." Spurgeon reminds us (as others have done), to "hold all things loosely. Look at them as fleeting ; never expect them to remain." Good advice, but hard to follow. We hold things so tightly in this world--and, interestingly, at the same time we are holding things tightly, most of us as looking to see what else we can/should have, thinking maybe that next thing or person will make me happy. What a sense of peace it brings to know we are in God's hands, everything belongs to Him, and we can trust Him with not only all we have and don't have, but our very lives, body and soul. Praise Him!

Church on the Beach - A Treasured Memory

I have already written a little about my early experiences of learning I had cancer, but I have not yet recorded a precious memory and I want to do that now.

I learned I had cancer on Thursday, February 10. Ken and I were staying in downtown San Diego, where Ken was attending a conference.  On Friday, the conference was over, so we moved to the Beach Cottages on Mission Bay, a place where we had stayed a couple of times before and loved it. We moved into a room on the third floor with patio doors we could open to see and hear the ocean.  The motel complex is on the beach, with almost three miles of boardwalk just outside the gate. It is beautiful.

We knew this time our short stay there would be bittersweet, since just the day before, we had learned about the battle before us.

Although we thought about finding a church to attend on Sunday, we decided to stay on the beach, since we had so little time there. Sunday morning came, and around 8:30 or so, we decided to walk down the boardwalk to our favorite breakfast place, Kono's, which not only has great food, but also outside seating where we could eat and enjoy the ocean. But coffee first. 

We opened the gate and walked out onto the boardwalk. Directly in front of us was a church. God brought church to us! 

Around 40 or so folding chairs were set up under a tent. Bibles were placed on the chairs, and there was a pulpit and a sound system. A few people were milling around and we approached one of the men, who we learned was the pastor. He said church started in 10 minutes and we were welcome to stay. I asked what he was preaching on, and he said Philippians, chapter 4. My stomach did flip-flops, and one of my favorite passages quickly came to mind: 

6   Do not be anxious about anything,
         but in every situation,
      by prayer and petition,
         with thanksgiving,
      present your requests to God.
7   And the peace of God,
         which transcends all understanding,
       will guard your hearts and your minds
      in Christ Jesus.

A familiar passage, one repeated often, but in my present circumstances, it took on new meaning, personal and powerful.

We had time to get a cup of coffee and then found some seats and waited for the service to start. It was a wonderful service. We sang some familiar choruses; I remember one was “Here I Am to Worship,” a beautiful song of praise. Then the pastor prayed, and I mostly remember him praying that God would speak through him and that it would not be him speaking, but that God’s Word would go forth through Him. From my perspective, that’s exactly what happened. It seemed the entire message was the nearly undiluted Word of God. He reviewed the earlier chapters in Philippians and then spent extra time on the fourth chapter. I remember I closed my eyes through most of the message, and it was as if God’s Word was washing over me, filling me with His peace, His strength, His love and comfort. 

As a backdrop for the proclamation of God's Word, the sand at our feet, the vast ocean and sky, the rhythm and sound of the waves all made the whole experience unique and very special. I will always believe God brought church to us that morning on the beach to help us prepare for what was coming, to comfort us, to remind us that He is in control and we are to look to Him for help, for strength, and for peace in the midst of our trouble.

From Isaiah 55. . .

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 

Praise Him!

Getting Connected at the Roger Maris Cancer Center

Last week, Ken and I met my new medical oncologist, Dr. Snow, at the Roger Maris Cancer Center. We liked her very much. She spent almost two hours with us and answered so many questions. Early this coming Tuesday morning, Ken and I will meet with a radiology oncologist, Dr. Bier. Treatment will likely consist of concurrent chemo and radiation for six weeks. I will receive the radiation treatments daily (M-F) and the chemo once a week.  I will probably start treatments the week following next week.

Please pray that I will tolerate the chemo-radiation well (few side effects) and that my body will respond to the treatment.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

Jehovah-Jireh

I'm finally getting around to a post. It's been a good day, from a massage this morning to wonderful cards in the mail to coming back to work. And great news--I have an appointment at Roger Maris Cancer Center (RMCC) for 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. It will be good to finally get started with treatment. I'm meeting with a medical oncologist (who, I am told, studied at Mayo).

I have felt as though I've been on a roller coaster this past 5 weeks, but suddenly this morning I realized how everything is perfectly in place for me to move forward with treatment in a well-informed manner. The doctor I will see tomorrow has everything--from Mayo, from Sioux Falls, and from Sanford in Fargo--that she needs to get me started. I can only stand back in awe as I see how complete my preparation has been and how God has worked in every circumstance.

I am reminded of one day, shortly after I learned I had cancer, when I became so aware of the extent of God's provision. I received two long e-mails that day, from two women/friends who have cancer. One woman told me about her experiences with Mayo, Rochester (even where to stay and how to get around). The other e-mail contained spiritual encouragement. After reading those e-mails, I was struck by how complete God's provision is (Jehovah-Jireh, another name for God, means "God our Provider"). That day--and the days following, in so many ways--He provided me with practical, physical information as well as spiritual help and encouragement and, of course, much love and concern expressed by those closest to me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

And my God will meet all your needs
according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. 
                                                    Philippians 4:19

I received several wonderful cards today--my favorite, of course, is the picture and message from my 8-year old granddaughter, Ellie. I think I'm going to have to frame it; it's so colorful and encouraging (love those ruby slippers!).  Another card says,

"From one daughter of the King to another . . .
I'm talking to our Father about you.

He says He'll take care of everything."

After reading that card, I told Ken this morning I was feeling like a spoiled princess, so abundantly blessed. I live in a country where I am able to receive the best medical care in the world, and I have a fantastic support system--my husband, children, grandchildren, sisters (five terrific sisters!), a brother, parents and other family members, church friends/family, BSF group members, co-workers, and the list goes on. As if that's not enough, I have nothing to fear, since whatever happens to me has already passed through my Father's hands.

Thanks to everyone and thanks to God for EVERYTHING!

Post-Mayo

4:30 PM   Well, we just returned to our hotel room. The doctors did an exam and found that the cancer has spread to an area that does not respond to surgery. As a result, we are heading back to Fargo to begin radiation and chemo treatments. This is still very treatable and the doctors have assured us that this treatment will have the same level of results as surgery. We feel good that the initial diagnosis is confirmed and that we have explored all avenues of treatment available. The doctors and staff here are awesome, very efficient: I hardly was able to read the newspaper before they had us on the move again.
Sheree says hi to all, but she is very tired and taking a nap.
We had a pastor come in this morning and she read a verse from Psalms that was the very one we read this morning before coming to the hospital. "God is our refuge and strength a very present help in time of trouble." I was struck by the promise of a present help, not some future help or when all else fails help, but present help right when we need it. Praise God.

Ken

Tuesday morning- we are getting ready to go to the hospital for Sheree's surgery. We are ready, God is with us and we are not afraid. We have to be at the hospital at 9:00 and I will attempt to keep all of you posted if I can figure this thing out. We have to go now.

Posted by Ken

At Mayo

Ken and I are so grateful for all the prayers and comfort we are receiving from family and friends. What a blessing you are! And I am so blessed to have Ken with me at every step. He has not left my side.

My Mayo appt. was early this morning. The doctor took time to talk to us about everything and convinced us that surgery is our best option right now (although the doctor in Sioux Falls said she would not recommend surgery). During the surgery, the questionable lymph node can be tested to see if it is positive or negative for cancer, and that will determine the extent of the surgery. If it's negative, it could mean no chemo or radiation. If it's positive, I will probably need some radiation treatments.

Whatever happens, it feels very good to finally be *doing* something. It's been a long month.

Ken and I read a devotion in a book of Charles Spurgeon writings today, and my verse for today is Psalm 46:1-3.

God is our refuge and strength,
  a very present help in trouble,
 therefore we will not fear,
even though the earth be removed,
   and though the mountains
      be carried into the midst of the sea;
   though its waters roar and be
          troubled,
    though the mountains shake
        with its swelling.

He goes on to say, "What could your heart desire or your mind conceive
beyond the blessedness of these assurances?" What a question!

I am so focused right now on my medical situation, but at the same time, I am keenly aware of the disaster in Japan, as we all are. These verses brought that disaster to my mind; it's difficult to imagine living through such a catastrophic event. But even through all of that, God says, He is a "very present help in trouble," not distant and unreachable, for His people. And that promise pertains to whatever the catastrophe--whether caused by some external force (like nature) or an internal force (abnormal cells in my body).

I keep thinking I should be afraid, but it's a little hard to be afraid when I have such a personal, powerful, loving Father. And it's true--what more could my heart desire or my mind conceive?

God be with all of you..see you soon!

Before Mayo

Well, we are off to Mayo tomorrow. I'm ready--it seems I've been doing a lot of waiting lately. I should say "we've" been doing a lot of waiting, since Ken has not left my side. His support, strength, and love go way beyond words.

The doctor at Sioux Falls confirmed my staging at a IIB and gave her recommendations for treatment--concurrent radiation and low-dose chemo followed by internal radiation. From what I can gather from the articles and research I have read (albeit not carefully or with any medical knowledge), it seems like the best course of action. The tumor inside me (I'm not calling it "my tumor" or "my cancer" anymore--those terms seem to imply they belong to me when actually they are foreign to my body, invading it) is a little too large for surgery and they found one positive node, which is cause for concern. A couple of nights ago, I put the PET scan CD in my computer and managed to find images of the tumor and the positive node. It was sobering, but a little empowering to see my "enemies" with my own eyes.

After traveling to Sioux Falls, Ken and I feel sure that God is guiding us to seek a second opinion at Mayo Clinic. One of the things I am trying not to do is focus on percentages or survival rates. This is my personal battle and I have God on my side, who is Jehovah-Rapha--"the God that healeth me." I am thoroughly convinced that God is walking this road with me, that He knows not only where it leads, but He knows even the purpose for the journey.

My reference to a "road" reminds me of a passage in Isaiah that meant so much to me some weeks ago, when cancer first came to be my constant companion. In chapter 42, God says:

I will lead the blind by ways
    they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will
           guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light
      before them
 and make the rough places
        smooth.

God goes on to say His servants are those who are blind. He says we "have seen many things, but have paid no attention; our ears are open, but we hear nothing." He calls us to pay close attention, to be obedient, to be aware of our sinful hearts, the fallen world in which we live, and our great need for redemption; to seek His righteousness, and to understand that we were created for His glory. Then, He says,

"When you pass through the
           waters,
  I will be with you;
and when you pass through the
         rivers,
  they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flamses will not set you
         ablaze."

I suppose the passage about God leading the blind along unfamiliar paths resonated with me because, at that time (and even now sometimes), I felt much like a blind person on an unfamiliar path, stumbling along in the darkness. I have been studying Isaiah all year with my BSF group, and I have been truly awed by how much the material applies to my life, even though it was directed towards the Israelites and their struggles with God, their enemies, one another, themselves. Human struggles. The study has caused me to try to see my own struggles--and even my existence--in a different light..not from my perspective, but from God's. Difficult, but I have had glimpses of understanding. God's Word amazes me.

Ken and I are traveling to Sioux Falls today to visit with a doctor there. I am looking forward to learning more about my condition.

As we are leaving, I keep thinking about what Erik reminded me of yesterday--God is in control no matter how I am feeling. That was a good word for me yesterday--and for today and for tomorrow.

I'm so grateful that Ken is with me and that God goes with us.

Remembering Thursday, February 10, 2011

I first found out I had cervical cancer on February 10, 2011, a Thursday. Ken and I were in San Diego, where he was attending a conference. We were staying at a downtown hotel--the Omni, and that morning I had gone down for breakfast, which was provided for the wives as well as the men attending the conference. I went through the buffet and joined a few women sitting around a table. I didn't know any of them at the time. Renae was one of the women there, a woman I came to know fairly well in just a couple of days. Renae was talking about how she lost an infant son some years ago to a disease and how her second son needed a liver transplant when he was 13 months old. I heard her say how thankful she was that God had given her those 13 months with her son before discovering he had a liver disease, knowledge that changed their lives. Her son is 20 now and serving the Lord, even though the doctors said initially that he would not live long.

I was impressed and felt drawn to her. It's all too easy for us to become angry at God or come to the conclusion there is no God or purpose in life when something bad happens to us. Renae was expressing thanks to God and her faith in Him was evident, all of which put her experiences (some very difficult) in a perspective apart from the world's perspective (reminded me of the light and darkness metaphor so prevalent in God's Word). I was compelled to ask her if she was a Christian and was not surprised when she told me she was. To make a long story short, our visit resulted in me telling her I was waiting for a call from a doctor and expressing my anxiety to her. We met and talked several times during the next couple of days, and I was blessed to have a Christian woman to talk with, especially one with the faith and experiences Renae had. After I learned about my diagnosis, I was able to visit with Renae and talk through some of my initial shock and anxiety. I know Renae will remain a friend.

I am confident that God brought Renae to me for such a time as this. Praise Him!

"All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your
thoughts, O God!"
     Psalm 139:16-17