Before Mayo

Well, we are off to Mayo tomorrow. I'm ready--it seems I've been doing a lot of waiting lately. I should say "we've" been doing a lot of waiting, since Ken has not left my side. His support, strength, and love go way beyond words.

The doctor at Sioux Falls confirmed my staging at a IIB and gave her recommendations for treatment--concurrent radiation and low-dose chemo followed by internal radiation. From what I can gather from the articles and research I have read (albeit not carefully or with any medical knowledge), it seems like the best course of action. The tumor inside me (I'm not calling it "my tumor" or "my cancer" anymore--those terms seem to imply they belong to me when actually they are foreign to my body, invading it) is a little too large for surgery and they found one positive node, which is cause for concern. A couple of nights ago, I put the PET scan CD in my computer and managed to find images of the tumor and the positive node. It was sobering, but a little empowering to see my "enemies" with my own eyes.

After traveling to Sioux Falls, Ken and I feel sure that God is guiding us to seek a second opinion at Mayo Clinic. One of the things I am trying not to do is focus on percentages or survival rates. This is my personal battle and I have God on my side, who is Jehovah-Rapha--"the God that healeth me." I am thoroughly convinced that God is walking this road with me, that He knows not only where it leads, but He knows even the purpose for the journey.

My reference to a "road" reminds me of a passage in Isaiah that meant so much to me some weeks ago, when cancer first came to be my constant companion. In chapter 42, God says:

I will lead the blind by ways
    they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will
           guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light
      before them
 and make the rough places
        smooth.

God goes on to say His servants are those who are blind. He says we "have seen many things, but have paid no attention; our ears are open, but we hear nothing." He calls us to pay close attention, to be obedient, to be aware of our sinful hearts, the fallen world in which we live, and our great need for redemption; to seek His righteousness, and to understand that we were created for His glory. Then, He says,

"When you pass through the
           waters,
  I will be with you;
and when you pass through the
         rivers,
  they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flamses will not set you
         ablaze."

I suppose the passage about God leading the blind along unfamiliar paths resonated with me because, at that time (and even now sometimes), I felt much like a blind person on an unfamiliar path, stumbling along in the darkness. I have been studying Isaiah all year with my BSF group, and I have been truly awed by how much the material applies to my life, even though it was directed towards the Israelites and their struggles with God, their enemies, one another, themselves. Human struggles. The study has caused me to try to see my own struggles--and even my existence--in a different light..not from my perspective, but from God's. Difficult, but I have had glimpses of understanding. God's Word amazes me.