I wrote a poem today, thinking about how much my personal history, existence, life is like that of the world, creation. Meditating on Romans 8--a wonderful, hopeful passage.


A shadow with me
always
Darkness always
with the light
Shadow of my past
Darkness of the world
Altogether
light and dark
beautiful  and terrible.
Longings, groanings
too deep for words
My soul, Creation, Holy Spirit.
Redemption.
Mind on flesh
brings death, darkness
Mind on Spirit
brings life, peace, light
Waiting, hoping
Suffering, knowing
Crying, "Abba, Father!"

Controversy

Election time--so much drama!

Some people are saying Paul Ryan should be forced off the ticket because he called rape "a method of contraception." I think it's ludicrous to imagine he considers rape a legitimate method of conception. Common sense would tell us, I think, that he did not choose his words carefully. Isn't it possible he was simply saying that rape is one way that conception can occur? Regardless of how the conception took place, some of us are convinced (obvious to me) the result is an unborn child. And as heinous as the crime of rape is, taking the life of an unborn child is also a crime.

There is much talk about abortion being appropriate when the pregnancy is a result of rape, but what about the countless unborn children that are conceived in love, but then killed in the name of convenience?

I am grateful to live in a country where we are free to express our views, but today there is little tolerance for conservative views--if I believe God created the world and us, I am an uneducated idiot; if I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a women instituted by God, I am a homophobic; and if I believe killing an unborn human being is wrong, I am intolerant and a woman-hater.

So how do people decide what is right and wrong? Where and how do we, as individuals and society, "draw the line" that is constantly moving? Does absolute truth exist? Is there an absolute moral standard? If not, how do we decide what is right and wrong? What Francis Schaeffer (1912-1984) said many years ago is even more true today:

In passing, we should note this curious mark of our own age: the only absolute allowed is the absolute insistence that there is no absolute.

 So how do we know when we have gone too far? I am reminded of reading (two separate articles) in which prominent people seriously presented the idea of legalizing infanticide. Their reasoning is that if we allow a viable unborn infant to be destroyed in the womb, why should we not allow that choice to extend to after the infant is born. Perhaps a time period during which the mother or parents can choose to withhold care from the infant so that he or she does not survive.

Schaeffer, in his book Whatever Happened to the Human Race, a Christian response to abortion, euthanasia, and infanticide, makes a good case for the slippery slope we are on:

With nothing higher than human opinion upon which to base judgments and with ethics equaling no ethics, the justification for seeing crime and cruelty as disturbing is destroyed. The very word crime and even the word cruelty lose meaning. There is no final reason on which to forbid anything -- "If nothing is forbidden, then anything is possible."
(Francis A. Schaeffer and C. Everette Koop, Whatever Happened to the Human Race?, Ch. 1)

As a society, we do not want to believe in an absolute moral standard, because that belief leads us to acknowledge the existence of something transcendent, beyond ourselves--God. Schaeffer links the dignity of human life with the existence of God:

But the dignity of human life is unbreakably linked to the existence of the personal-infinite God. It is because there is a personal-infinite God who has made men and women in His own image that they have a unique dignity of life as human beings. Human life then is filled with dignity, and the state and humanistically oriented law have no right and no authority to take human life arbitrarily in the way it is being taken. (from Schaeffer's A Christian Manifesto)

I am keenly aware these days of how difficult confrontation is, especially when I am on the "wrong" side of our changing cultural norms. It is helpful and reassuring to go back to the writings of Christians like Schaeffer, who was not afraid of confrontation, of speaking the truth. Thinking about his words today..written so many years ago, but more relevant than ever before...

Truth always carries with it confrontation. Truth demands confrontation; loving confrontation nevertheless. If our reflex action is always accommodation regardless of the centrality of the truth involved, there is something wrong. (Francis Schaeffer)

A New Thing

As so often happens, God is emphasizing something He wants me to learn. I have been struggling lately, spiritually and emotionally, feeling discouraged. But God is here and He is not silent.

In response to my discouragement, God has sent people to encourage me recently and I want to remember His goodness, so I am recording it here.

My recent discouragement mainly stems from differences of opinion among my family members about how to best care for my mother, whose health is failing while she lives at Bethany nursing home in Fargo. The differences of opinion have caused conflict, anxiety, anger, hurt. My five sisters and my brother have typically been close and supportive of one another, so the situation has been difficult. I am the oldest of the seven, having a controlling spirit (a.k.a. "bossy") and an early history of rebellion, going against the grain, being the "black sheep" of the family.

Lately, I have been questioning my perspectives on the situation, trying to step back and examine my motives for my opinions (as well as my motives for expressing them the way I have) and the overwhelming emotions that I am experiencing. The anger is the most surprising: uninvited, unwanted, unexpected, and impossible to deny. I put away much anger so long ago, and it is strange to experience such strong, negative feelings at this time in my life. Maybe that's why I am having a difficult time dealing with it now.

On the way to work one day not so long ago, I was listening to the radio and heard something that made it clear to me that something I had perceived as right and good was actually not a good thing (at least there was strong evidence showing it was ungodly). (This was something in the world, not something within the personal sphere of my life.) The realization hit me like a ton of bricks (a tired, old expression, but it describes my experience). I was overwhelmed with a sense of shock, surprise--surprise that I could have been so wrong, that my perception was so skewed. It was almost like God audibly said to me, "Look how you so passively accept your human perceptions of what you see and hear and experience in your small world, how your opinions are so easily and quickly formed, how you embrace them--and even share them with others--without questioning them." (Reminds me of Job and how greatly his perspective changed after God spoke to him.)

I arrived at work early that day and had about an hour before my co-worker (we share an office) would arrive. A Christian friend I had not seen for months knocked tentatively at my door. She stopped in to talk with me about something. I could not help but share with her what I had just experienced. She prayed with me while I cried. As she prayed, she shared some spiritual wisdom that undoubtedly was for me, from God at that moment. What has stayed with me most is Isaiah 43, especially this part:
¹⁸ “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹ Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
     I will make a way in the wilderness
        and rivers in the desert.

It's difficult to perceive it..lately on my life journey, I have been tripping, stumbling, often falling over my pride, my insecurities, my foolish behavior. But today I choose to believe God is with me, ever near, and that He is doing a new thing in me. I will continue walking, even though I often feel like giving up. 


Praise God for not giving up on me!

Woke up with a song this morning--would not leave me..."Standing on the Promises."  Here are the lyrics--

STANDING ON THE PROMISES

Standing on the promises of Christ my King,
Through eternal ages let His praises ring,
Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,
Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
By the living Word of God I shall prevail,
Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I now can see
Perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me;
Standing in the liberty where Christ makes free,
Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,
Bound to Him eternally by love's strong cord,
Overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword,
Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall,
Listening every moment to the Spirit's call
Resting in my Savior as my all in all,
Standing on the promises of God.

 

I have been struggling with some things lately--this is a good word for me this morning, and I thank God. (He knows what I need.)

Jesus is All

When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

         Isaac Watts, pub. 1707 (public domain)

______________________________

This is one of my very favorite hymns; it is so beautiful and rich and deep. I love the lyrics, and (especially) the third stanza creates such an image of contrast. "Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, Or thorns compose so rich a crown?" Not only love and sorrow met on the cross that day in space and time, but so much more was epitomized by the cross--glorious hope (for believers) and despairing hopelessness (for unbelievers); truth and deception; good and evil; life and death.

Surveying the cross: While in the physical realm, our earthly eyes perceive strong men taking the life of a young man, stripping him of power, subjecting him to horrific suffering, in the spirit--in reality--we see Jesus, fully God and fully man, giving himself a once-for-all sacrifice, a ransom for sinful humankind. Everything that happened to Jesus had a spiritual context, so while we read about his physical life in the gospels, we see how he strives to make us understand and see the corresponding spiritual life and world. 

Perhaps one of the reasons people have a difficult time sometimes receiving Christ and embracing the Christian faith is because of the seeming contradictions in the scriptures (slavery and liberty, the law and grace, justice and mercy, conquerors and slaves, God's sovereignty and human will etc.). Ravi Zacharias says we need to think about those seeming contradictions in terms of contrarieties that are actually complementary.A dictionary definition of complementary is "completing" or "combining in such a way as to enhance or emphasize each other's qualities."

Is it really so strange that Christ, in the flesh and in the spirit, would embody and manifest all aspects of being (except sin, since He could not sin)? In Revelation, Jesus asserts three times He is the Alpha and the Omega:

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God,
“who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.” 
                                                               Revelation 1:8

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega,
the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water
without cost from the spring of the water of life.  
                                                                Revelation 21:6

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last,
the Beginning and the End. 
                                                                 Revelation 22:13

Alpha and Omega are the first and last letters of the Greek alphabet (like A and Z for us). Not only is Jesus saying He is the beginning and the end, but also, since the alphabet represents all of meaning--language is how we think, reason, communicate--Jesus is saying He is, embodies all meaning. Jesus is all.

Ravi Zacharias has quoted this passage from a sermon by James S. Stewart, who was ranked as one of the best preachers of the 20th Century. I found the entire sermon posted here: http://www.todayandthatday.com/2008/08/james-s-stewart-behold-man.html     (worth reading). Stewart beautifully describes the mysterious personality of Jesus.

When I speak of the mystery of a personality, I am thinking of the startling coalescence of contrarieties that you find in Jesus. He was the meekest and lowliest of all the sons of men: yet He said that He would come on the clouds of heaven in the glory of God. He was so austere that evil spirits and demons cried out in terror at His coming: yet He was so genial and winsome and approachable that the children loved to play with Him, and the little ones nestled in His arms; and His company in the innocent gaiety of a village wedding was like the sunshine. No one was ever half so kind or compassionate to sinners: yet no one ever spoke such red-hot, scorching words about sin. He would not break the bruised reed, and His whole life was love: yet on one occasion He demanded of the Pharisees how they expected to escape the damnation of hell. He was a dreamer of dreams and a seer of visions: yet for sheer stark naked realism He has all our self-styled “realists” beaten. He was the servant of all, washing the disciples’ feet : yet masterfully He strode into the Temple, and the hucksters and traders fell over one another in their mad rush to get away from the fire they saw blazing in His eyes. He saved others: yet at the last, Himself He would not save. There is nothing in history like the union of contrasts that confronts you in the Gospels. The mystery of Jesus is the mystery of a personality.  (from his book of sermons entitled The Strong Man)

When we embrace Christ, we embrace and acknowledge the mystery of Christ. We embrace truth and hope and life and a worldview that infiltrates everything we are and do. And we do so while knowing we cannot explain or understand everything.

"My richest gain I count but loss"  When we view the cross with spiritual eyes (a God-given gift), everything in this life pales ("the things of earth grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace"). The phrase "a God-given gift" does not really belong in parentheses; no one can be convinced by mere words or emotions that Jesus is Lord. And even though the scriptures are reasonable, reason alone cannot lead us to the truth of Christ. Only God can open our eyes to see Jesus. It strikes me that the Bible--God's Word--is like a mystery--so much revealed, but so much hidden. There are secrets that belong to the Lord:

Deuteronomy 29:29 . . .

The secret things belong to the Lord our God,
       but the things revealed
   belong to us and to our children forever,
        that we may follow all the words of this law."

 The day will come when "the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea" (Isaiah 11:9). In I Corinthians 13:12, Paul looks forward to that day:

  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;
     then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, 
   even as I am fully known.

Praise God that He does reveal so much of Himself:

Through His Word:

from Psalm 19 . . .

The law of the Lord is perfect,
    refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy,
    making wise the simple.
⁸ The precepts of the Lord are right,
    giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
    giving light to the eyes.
⁹ The fear of the Lord is pure,
    enduring forever.
The decrees of the Lord are firm,
    and all of them are righteous.
¹⁰ They are more precious than gold than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,than honey from the honeycomb.

from Isaiah 55 . . .

As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Through His Creation:

           from Romans 1 . . .

¹⁹ . . . since what may be known about God is plain to them, 
           because God has made it plain to them.
²⁰ For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—
          his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, 
      being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. 
                                                                                                            (Romans 1)

And this beautiful passage from Psalm 19 . . .

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
² Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.
³ They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.
⁴ Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.

And most of all, God reveals Himself through His Son Jesus, the Word, who "became flesh and made his dwelling among us. . . . who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. . . . No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known" (from John 1).

Jesus said, "If you have seen me you have seen the Father." (John 14:9)

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." (Luke 21:33)

________________________
Praise God!

God's House

So busy today, but I want to record this experience, so I don't forget. It is always such a blessing to look back on times God has touched my life.

When I awoke one morning this past week, immediately troubles came to my mind, in particular trials that some members of my family are experiencing. I feel so much sometimes, so burdened and heavy in my spirit when I think of my loved ones suffering or facing difficulties that sometimes seem insurmountable.

Over the years, I have wondered if feeling so much (heightened emotions) is a gift or a curse. Recently, an NDSU professor led a Bible study over a noon hour (NDSU faculty/staff Christian fellowship). His study was on faith and feelings, and he admitted to not being in touch with his feelings; in fact, he said he did not experience emotions much at all. When he shared some of the undesirable results of such a condition, I responded by saying it's not always so great being at the other end of the spectrum, either.

But I digress...

As I lay in bed thinking of those troubles, along with those thoughts came not only the usual sadness,  heaviness, but also a cry in my heart--God, help me pray today--how can I pray for these loved ones and circumstances when I feel so hopeless at times, so sad and even discouraged, helpless?

God, who is faithful always, answered my cry through His powerful, living and active Word.

I picked up my Bible and opened it to 2 Chronicles 20, and I began reading. Verses 6-12 is a prayer of Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, when he received reports that his enemies--the Moabites, Ammonites, and Menunites were coming to make war with him. "A vast army is coming against you. It is already [near]." Jehoshaphat was alarmed, but instead of seeking wisdom and advice from his advisors, he "resolved to inquire of the Lord." In fact, he proclaimed a fast for all Judah, and all the people of Judah "came together to seek help from the Lord."

I am impressed by how Jehoshaphat humbled himself before the Lord and before his people. He did not command the priests to pray to the Lord, but he "stood up in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem at the temple of the LORD . . . and said:

O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven?
        You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations.
     In your hand are power and might,
   so that none is able to withstand you.
     ⁷ Did you not, our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land
   before your people Israel, and give it forever
          to the descendants of Abraham your friend?
   ⁸ And they have lived in it and have built for you in it
           a sanctuary for your name, saying,
   ⁹‘If disaster comes upon us,
           the sword, judgment, or pestilence, or famine,
     we will stand before this house and before you—
          for your name is in this house—
        and cry out to you in our affliction,
             and you will hear and save.’
  ¹⁰ And now behold, the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir,
         whom you would not let Israel invade
              when they came from the land of Egypt,
            and whom they avoided and did not destroy—
   ¹¹ behold, they reward us by coming to drive us out of your possession,
                 which you have given us to inherit.
     ¹² O our God, will you not execute judgment on them?
             For we are powerless against this great horde
            that is coming against us.
          We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.

 What a powerful prayer--and how relevant for me today, so many generations later. I used this prayer as a foundation for my own prayer that morning. And as I meditated, the prayer fell naturally in line with so many things I have been studying and reading this year.

--Recently, we studied in Ephesians about putting on the armor of God and understanding that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12)  I could not help but think of the "great horde that is coming against us" in terms of the spiritual forces that are behind the struggles we experience in our lives. But even though we are powerless against that "great horde," our God is not. He is powerful and mighty, and none is able to withstand Him.

--Another thing that struck me was the reference to God's house, which in Jehoshaphat's prayer, referred to the Tabernacle, a physical man-made structure that was the dwelling place of God. Today, God's Spirit lives not in a temple, but inside me, and I can enter in to His presence freely because of Jesus. I Corinthians 6:19:

¹⁹ Or do you not know that your body
        is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you,
    whom you have from God? 

 Hebrews 3:5-6:

⁵ Now Moses was faithful in all God's house as a servant,
       to testify to the things that were to be spoken later,
⁶ but Christ is faithful over God's house as a son.
      And we are his house if indeed we hold fast
          our confidence and our boasting in our hope.

We have been studying Hebrews, and there is much scripture there that connects the Old Testament (law, blood sacrifice for atonement of sins) to the New Testament (grace, Blood of Jesus once for all), Old Covenant to the New Covenant, the earthly tabernacle and the "real" heavenly tabernacle. Hebrews Chapter 9 is powerful teaching about the Blood of Christ and how it relates to the tabernacle and the priestly order. The Old Covenant, the sacrificial system for atonement of sins, the physical tabernacle (first a tent and later the temple in Jerusalem): all of it copies and shadows of what is to come.

Hebrews 8 calls Jesus "the High Priest of a New Covenant."

¹ . . . We do have such a high priest,
     who sat down at the right hand
   of the throne of the Majesty in heaven,
² and who serves in the sanctuary,
   the true tabernacle set up by the Lord,
     not by a mere human being. 

 High priests in Old Testament times served "at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven" (vs. 5).

Hebrews 9:24: "For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was a only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God's presence."

We tend to think of things on this earth as "real"; but God's Word confirms that it is the spiritual counterparts of earthly things that are truly real and the earthly things that are reflections or copies of spiritual reality.

We so often take God's Word for granted, but today I feel immensely blessed to be able to know and learn through scripture how Jesus' birth, life, and death on the cross ushered in the New Covenant and what that means for me.  

¹³ In speaking of a new covenant,
       he makes the first one obsolete. . . .
                                          (Hebrews 8)

And from Hebrews 9:

 ¹⁵ For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant,
that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—
    now that he has died as a ransom
   to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.                                         

²⁴ . . . but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood.
²⁵ Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him,
           because he always lives to intercede for them. 

Praise God!

Level Paths

Hey, Blog, I'm back...

I want to start writing in my blog again. During the past months, I have found it difficult both to write and to take time to write. I am so easily distracted from writing or meditating when I become caught up in daily activities of work, relationships, my physical health, my home, time for family. However, I think the benefits I receive from writing make it a worthy pursuit--so I am determined, with God's help, to make it a part of my life.

Time constraints are always with me. Now, more than ever before, I am keenly aware of the finite, temporal nature of our lives and of our fragile, vulnerable physical bodies. How little time we have on this earth. (The other day I was thinking about how great it will be in heaven to not have to think about time anymore!)

To start writing again now seems a little unreasonable, since my life will only get busier.

--I have been working at NDSU 32 hours/week for the past year. Starting tomorrow (Monday, April 16), I return to 40 hours/week.

--And I am committed to the Livestrong program, which I started a few weeks ago. Livestrong is a wellness program for cancer survivors, funded with grants from Lance Armstrong and implemented through the YMCA. For three months, I go to the Y twice a week and meet with a small group of other cancer survivors and three trainers. The program involves exercise, but also covers other wellness topics like relaxation. One thing that makes it even more worthwhile is that I am able to have a support person attend with me. Kayla agreed to go with me, and I appreciate her support and companionship. It's not always easy to get there at 5:30 on Tuesday and Thursday, but I have only missed one so far. I am amazed at how much better I feel when I exercise, and it's a terrific stress reliever.

--My BSF Bible study is every Monday night through the middle of May. I have not put very much time into my study this year, but in spite of my sometimes lackadaisical commitment, the Lord has blessed me much through this year's study.

So many things I want to do besides these commitments--visit my mom at the nursing home, spend time with family (my grown-up children are terrific and grandkids can cure most anything), spend time with my (fantastic) husband.

For a little while, earlier this spring, I was thinking about becoming involved in some kind of outreach ministry. (Maybe, for now, it's enough just to think about it.)

I always say I don't have time for extra things, but since the beginning of this year, I have been convicted about how I spend my time, especially in terms of what I do--or do not do--for Christ. I have never been much for setting new year's resolutions, but maybe my focus on time early this year related to the new year. It was not only a new year, but also it had been almost a year since I received the news about having cancer (Feb. 10, 2011). For Ken and I, this past year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, between the cancer treatment and recovering from treatment, Ken's mom and my mom each entering a nursing home with serious physical conditions.

I suppose with the start of a new year, it's natural to take stock of where we are at in our lives--and I suppose that is, essentially, what I am doing. Not only thinking about where I am at, but also where I am going...the path I am on. I have been so impressed lately by fact that we never stay in one place--we are always changing, growing, always moving towards God or away from him. It's what living is all about. God's Word confirms it.

It seems lately every time I open the Bible, I come across some reference to paths. Since the Lord is our guide and we are to seek his direction, it is not surprising that "paths" would be a common reference in his Word. My verse for 2010 was from Jeremiah 6:16:

Stand at the crossroads and look;
      ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and
     walk in it, and you will
    find rest for your souls.

Implies action on our part--stand, ask, walk--and a promise--we will find rest.

Last year, on my cancer journey, Isaiah 42:16 was so precious to me:

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know,
   in paths that they have not known I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness before them into light,
     the rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.

There were times last year when we felt as if we were blind, walking on an unfamiliar path. God was faithful, however, and now it seems there were more times of trust and not only knowing, but sensing God was guiding us (no doubt thanks to so many prayers from friends and family and others).

Here's a verse that resonates with me this year, again referring to paths:

From Hebrews 12:

¹² Therefore lift your drooping hands
and strengthen your weak knees,  
¹³  and make straight paths for your feet, 
so that what is lame may not be put out of joint
  but rather be healed.

As part of the Bible study I am in, we listen to a lecture each week on what we have been studying. One week, our teacher asked us some hard questions--
  Are we in tune with God's voice? How are we impacting the world? And how do we respond to change (in terms of God leading us in different directions? 

Good questions. We are studying the life and ministry of Paul and about the early church as a whole and the individual churches he planted. One morning, reading in I Thessalonians, I was impacted by verses 4-5, where Paul says, " . . . we know . . . that he [God] has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction.” It made me see something I already know, but in a fresh way. I know this word is true from personal experience--there is no question in my mind that God chose me, because words alone did not--and could not have--changed me. I know it was the power of the Holy Spirit 32 years ago that revealed to me my need for Jesus Christ, and my desire to continue and to grow in Him is also by his power.

I want so much to influence those around me for God--sometimes, I think I get too caught up in thinking about what I should say to them or what I should do. I do well to remind myself that there is nothing I can do under my own power that can win others to Christ. It is only with the power of the Holy Spirit that I must endeavor to become involved in God’s work.

God is faithful; he will not lead me somewhere and leave me. I believe he creates desires in us, and He is faithful to fulfill those desires as we are obedient to his leading.

May He help me make level paths for my feet...

Living in the Promised Land

Studying in Hebrews now in my Bible study. . . in the Faith chapter (11) today. Reading about Abraham, how he trusted God—he “obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going” (11:8); how even though he was past age and Sarah was barren, “was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise” (11:11).

What intrigues me so much about this passage today is the part about how Abraham “made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country . . . looking forward to the city with foundations [in Greek “seed”], whose architect and builder is God” (11:9-10). I am overwhelmed by the depth of meaning in this passage for those of us who know Christ—it is so clearly a picture of our lives with Christ—or at least how our lives should be.

The power of God draws us (calls us) to Christ and the gift of faith (also from Him) enables us to see and to accept the truth of Jesus Christ, to receive the free gift of salvation. Once we accept Christ and decide to follow Him (even though we don’t know where we are going), we move to the “promised land,” which is a place—not a physical place, but a spiritual place, where we live by faith in the promises of God, who is faithful.

--Promises of His unfailing love for us, promises of freedom from the burden of guilt, forgiveness of our sins, and (to come) freedom from sorrow, pain, and the cares and desires of this world. Most of all, I think, freedom from the fear of death. Even though we will experience death in this life, we need not fear it. We can know freedom from the fear of death, we can have inner joy and peace, even in the midst of trouble. To me, these are evidences of the power of God in our lives, evidences of His faithfulness, of His nearness.
And we look forward to, anticipate the fulfillment of promises that are yet to be, just as Abraham and other godly men waited. We wait for the fulfillment of God’s promises of eternal life, of living in the presence of God where all is light and good, no dark and evil. Jesus says in this world we will have tribulation, but in Him we may have peace. By the power of the Holy Spirit, in our hearts and spirits, we know all God’s promises are true and will come to pass—and we wait for them, living now in a land where we are strangers. Faith: waiting and believing.

From Hebrews 11:13-15 . . .

¹³These all died in faith,
         not having received the things promised,
      but having seen them and greeted them from afar,
    and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
¹⁴For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.
¹⁵If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out,
         they would have had opportunity to return.

When I think about how Abraham lived like a stranger in a foreign country, I think about how I live in this world. What does it mean to “live like a stranger”?

Maybe it means not being so caught up with and focused on the things of this world, but becoming increasingly connected to the things of the spirit. Perhaps it means not to be so comfortable with—and attached to—the things of this world, whether a lifestyle, material things, or cultural norms and values.  And, too, it means (to me) not to be so caught up in seeking the approval of others, but to seek the approval of God. Maybe it means realizing that sometimes I will not (should not?) “fit” in this world, that I will seem strange to others.

But I have been thinking this morning about how well I fit in this world. I want the same things as others—comfort, security, health, enough money, and I want people to like me. Is it implausible to think that Abraham and Sarah desired the same things, struggled with many of the same issues we do now?

I think about the problems and sorrows Abraham experienced. By no means did Abraham live a life free from care and trouble. Traveling to a country he did not know, living with the serious consequences of his involvement with Hagar and his son by her, Ishmael; lying about who Sarah was (twice, I think) because he was more afraid of men than of God; watching as God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, while his family was affected (Lot and his family); and of course, being commanded by God to sacrifice his only son, Isaac (serves as sign of Jesus to come). Abraham surely knew pain, sorrow, fear, anxiety in his earthly life. But he kept his eyes on the promises of God, being “sure of what he hoped for and certain of what he did not see” (11:1).

And God used an imperfect human (Abraham) and miraculous means (the conception and birth of Isaac) to give us His promises through His chosen people, through which he revealed Himself by His covenant with Abraham, the Law, the sacrificial system--all of which point to Christ and God's plan redemption for man. He used a perfect human, who was also perfectly God (Jesus) and miraculous means (the conception and birth of Jesus) to fulfill His promises for a new covenant. In the fullness of time, Jesus was born, lived, and died on the cross. In the fullness of time, Jesus will return for His people.

Just as the sacrificial system described in the Old Testament and the old covenant are copies or shadows of Christ’s sacrifice and the new covenant, the “promised land” is symbolic of the true promised land, the place where we will spend eternity with Christ. Hebrews is so rich...difficult, but rich. Anyone who wants to learn how Jesus is connected to the Old Testament should read Hebrews--it's fascinating.

Praise Him!

On Faith and the Spirit of God

Where is your faith, Sheree?

The past week has been a difficult one for me, stressful. A couple of anxiety-ridden situations have arisen and I admit I have given in to the temptation to worry. At the same time, however, the situations have caused me to consider more deeply the things of God I am learning in Bible study, podcasts, meditating on these days.

Along with a couple of hundred other women, I am studying Acts this year in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), and although the book is normally referred to as the Acts of the Apostles, it could just as well be called the Acts of the Holy Spirit. Such a strong focus on the Holy Spirit, power, the Name of Jesus. I do not think it is possible to study, pay attention to the Holy Spirit and not have our own spirit impacted. An awesome thing--to meditate on the fact (yes, fact) that the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ dwells within me (a believer) and is in fellowship with my spirit--seems too amazing to be true.

I suppose one of the reasons that truth is hard to internalize for me (and perhaps for others) is that despite knowing God's truth, I continue to sin and struggle in this world. And I must grieve the Holy Spirit by the way I so often respond to difficulties. I claim to be a follower of Christ, one who believes and trusts in the God of the Bible. Yet, while I confess my belief and trust in God, my response to trouble (worry) and my actions are often inconsistent with what I believe and with how I want to respond. Especially worry, I think, must grieve the Spirit; worrying is antithetical to trusting in God, the outworking of my faith.

Nice to know I'm not alone. The Apostle Paul writes about this conflict in his letter to the Romans, Chapter 7:

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

I think one of my problems (and perhaps it's a universal problem) is that I forget who I am, forget my place in the universe. I keep thinking--and living as though--I am in control of my own life and responsible for changing me. The more I am in the Word, the more I learn about the character and redemptive plan of God, His grace, mercy, righteousness, sovereignty,  the more I realize that I can do nothing on my own. And the very fact that I am troubled about and aware of the conflict between my spirit and my flesh, as Paul was, testifies to me of the truth of God's Word. 

My God is a personal God, who desires an intimate relationship with me. Francis Schaeffer said because God is infinite, He can [and does] deal with each of us personally, in a personal relationship (True Spirituality--great book!). But within that personal relationship, we must remember we are not equal with God or above God; He is the Creator; we are his creation (small "c"). Indwelling us with His Holy Spirit is (I believe) a gift from God, a gift of His power and presence that provides the means for us to have the intimate  relationship He desires to have with us.

Until Jesus lived, died, rose, and ascended to heaven, the Holy Spirit was given as an external gift, a help given by God when He chose to give it; many times in the Old Testament we read how the Holy Spirit "came upon" someone to empower them. After Jesus ascended, God gave the gift of the Holy Spirit to live within us, to be with us always. The Holy Spirit is a person, real, tangible, a "very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1). His purpose is to guide us into all truth and to give us power to testify of and live for Christ in a fallen, sinful world. God knows we have nothing inside us to be able to do it ourselves. In fact, we remain spiritually dead until God quickens our spirits by His Spirit, giving us the power of faith to believe, to repent, to receive His gift of salvation, to trust and abide in Him. In 2Timothy 2:25, we are reminded that even repentance is not of ourselves:

Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, . . .

The very faith by which we believe comes from God. From Romans 12:3: ". . . each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."

And grace is a gift, too; from Romans 12:6: "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. . . ."

I downloaded a new podcast by James McDonald not long ago and have been listening to a series of ten messages on Change. His message perfectly fits with my study of Acts and my life circumstances right now. (By now, I should have ceased being amazed at God's perfect timing...)

It's one thing to know about the power available to me and it's another to put it into practice on a daily basis. The podcast series has been a great help, and I know God is changing me, perhaps not as quickly as I would like, but I'm on the right path!

¹⁰⁵ Your word is a lamp to my feet
   and a light to my path. (Psalm 119)

__________________________________________________
I heard a message on the radio one day recently. It was the Unlocking the Bible program with Pastor Colin Smith (good preacher). I wanted to mediate on his message, but first I had to remember it (not easy these days), so I quickly recorded his three main ideas.

When facing difficulties:

1. Factor in what you know about God's power--over disease, nature, death, everything. (Remember what God has done.)
   
2. Submit to the sovereignty/authority of God, knowing that He does what He pleases, not what I may please (brings peace).
   
3. Trust in the goodness of God, knowing that He loves me and everything He allows in my life is for my ultimate good. ( . . . [A]ll things work together for good...Romans 8:28)
   
4. (I will add a fourth:)  Know and believe that the Holy Spirit of God dwells within me and will guide me and grant me the power and wisdom I need in every circumstance to act in a way that will glorify God.

Jesus walking on the water--Jesus was with His disciples in a boat; He was sleeping and there was a  storm, and the disciples were terrified. It was because of their relationship with Jesus that they were in the situation they found themselves in--a fierce storm, facing death. They had seen Jesus do many miracles already, but when faced with the storm and possible death, they panicked, and Jesus, after calming the sea, said to them, "Where is your faith?"

I just bought a little plaque that has a seashell on it and a few cattails or reeds blowing in the wind. Two words are conveyed on the plaque--"just bend." That phrase has come to mind a few times this past week, and I have thought about how reeds do not work to bend--as the winds and storms come, they "just bend." As I experience difficulties, may I learn to "just bend" and let Jesus calm the sea in and around me.

Mom

My mom is dying. I thought I was prepared, but the other day the Hospice nurse called me and when she identified herself, my heart stopped for a second or two. Then she told me mom is fine, she was just calling to update me on her medical status--and I breathed again.

I have been spending as much time as I can with mom these days. She has been in Bethany Homes for around six weeks now. Yesterday we moved her to a private room. We are hoping to make it seem a little more like a bedroom than a nursing home room by hanging some old pictures and family photos and making it a little more comfortable for her (and us). She seems so sad.

I'm always surprised at how so much time can go by when I am with her. I might stop after work, planning to stay an hour, and before I know it a couple of hours or three have passed. It seems so right for me to just sit with her, even though she is not very responsive, has a difficult time talking, and mostly wants to lie down and sleep. We still go for some walks outside on these beautiful days, but she has a difficult time holding her head up for very long and gets tired easily. She eats little and is small and frail.

The other night I was with her for a few hours and found an old hymn book. I read hymns to her and even sang a few. Anyone who knows me fairly well knows I'm not a great singer, but no one was in the room but my mom and me. I think she liked it.

Mom is so precious to me. I was thinking about why. I know I'm "supposed to" love and honor my mom, but it's beyond that.

Moms love. Unconditionally. I remember myself as a young adult trying to work through some of my emotional baggage from my past that seemed to be keeping me from functioning well in the present. At times, I was so frustrated with my mother who would never acknowledge that I had some serious problems to work through. I was always perfectly fine in her eyes. If I did have any problems, it must be someone else's fault.

It's surely true that some of her way of thinking was denial, which can be unhealthy. But I also think there is something inherently wonderful (full of wonder) in the way a mother has faith in her child and sees what is best in them. No ones loves like a mom.

Except God. And while a mother's love can--and often does--fail, God's love is unfailing, steadfast, true. One of my favorite passages is in Isaiah 49:15, where God says

Can a woman forget her nursing child
     And have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.
    Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;

I praise God today for my mom, for her love and her life, and for His unfailing love.

Praise Report and The Good Portion

It's the middle of August--a beautiful, sunny day today. I finished cancer treatment around the end of May, and last week I had a PET scan to assess the success of the treatment. On Wednesday, I received a good report from the doctor. He said the tumor and all signs of the cancer cells are gone. Good news! I am so grateful to God for bringing Ken and I through this difficult year. And so grateful for friends and family who supported us, helped us, prayed for us, believed with us, loved us.

During this stressful, difficult year, I have surely had opportunities to do some soul-searching. I barely had time to breathe a sigh of relief about being done with treatment when we (my brother and sisters and I) moved my mother to a nursing home. We took her to the doctor because she was having difficulty breathing and her heart was racing. Mom was admitted to the hospital, and we learned over the next several days she had (has) multiple serious health problems, the worst of which is failing kidneys. After consulting with the doctors and considering Mom's current condition and multiple health issues, we decided not to have her go through dialysis. A difficult decision, but the right one for Mom, we believe. Moving Mom to a nursing home was very stressful for our family, not to mention how hard it was (and is) for Mom. Since there are seven of us children, I suppose it is natural that we would not all perceive the situation in the same way. And I, for one, am not proud of some of the things I said and did during that time. But Mom is settled in her new "home," and Hospice has become involved. We're all trying to spend as much time as we can with her. She is so precious to all of us.

Most of my frustration these days is due to not having enough time. Work, commuting (although I have stayed overnight with my sister in Fargo several times already--a blessing), visiting Mom and attending to issues about her care, and a YMCA wellness program for cancer survivors is keeping me too busy. Lately, I have complained about having to take time to sleep! Although I am feeling very well, I can tell I don't have the energy I used to, and I seem to need my sleep even more than before.

I suppose it's not surprising that I have taken little time for the things of God lately. And I know that it has affected my attitude, my behavior, my ability to respond to stressful situations in a godly way. And it has even affected my ability to be a blessing to my mother during this difficult time in her life. One of the passages our pastor used today during his message was from 2 Timothy: 3:16:

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful
for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 

This scripture reminds me again that I need to be immersed in the Word of God and be in prayer not only, in broad terms, to live a godly life, but also to make it through each day without harming the name of Christ and without becoming discouraged (I want to keep my joy). Undoubtedly, as it rebukes and corrects me (not fun), the Word also strengthens me and helps me to "keep [my] head in all situations" and to "endure hardship" (4:5).

As I think about how I spend my time, I am reminded of the incident recorded in Luke 10 where Jesus came to visit Mary and Martha, two sisters. Martha was busy serving and was upset because Mary was sitting at the Lord's feet. Such a picture of so many of us (like me) today--busy with many good things, but failing to recognize or take time for the one thing that's important.

³⁸Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. ³⁹And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." ⁴¹But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, ⁴²but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

In church today, we sang a song with these lyrics:

" I see the Lord,
high and lifted up, 

seated on the throne, of my life.

  And He is Holy, Holy, Holy, 

seated on the throne of my life."

I closed my eyes while we sang this beautiful chorus, and I let myself imagine such a setting. I am dismayed to to say that I saw not God on the throne of my life, but me on the throne of my life--me stubbornly trying to be in control and keep it all together on my own. In our culture and with our fallen nature, it's so easy to relegate God to the sidelines of our lives, to put ourselves on the throne of our lives.

This was a good day--I am so thankful for God's Word (and for our pastor who preaches the Word in Truth) and for God's love for me. I know He loves me enough to correct me, to draw me unto Himself. In my weakness, He is strong.

May I seek "the good portion" in the coming weeks and trust God to help me. And the next time I sing or think of the lyrics of this song, I will close my eyes and see God on the throne of my life!

Anticipating Family Camp

Ken and I are going to go to Family (Bible) camp at Inspiration Point Camp this weekend. I think this is our eleventh year in a row, and we have always brought grandchildren along with us. Kayla (our granddaughter) was 3 the first time we attended camp. She hasn't missed a year; this year, she is 13 and coming with us again. Alex, who is 12, is coming, too. Marcus just turned 19, and I guess he has decided he's too old to come with us anymore. I'll miss him; it will be a little quiet. (Marcus always kept things lively!) I hope Ellie, Isaiah, and Sophia can join us next year. (Might need a mom along with that many, though.)

Family camp is just a few short days out of the year—a Thursday night until Sunday noon, always (for us) around the 4^th of July. It goes fast. But I remember once when I was thinking about what some of my favorite days (of my life) might be, I realized some of my much loved days have been spent at Family camp. Those times really are memories I treasure and always will. So many memories...

Kayla was young..I think it was our first year at Inspiration Point (we stayed in a tent, much to the chagrin of Ken—no more tents after that). Each year the camp has what they call the Christ Hike. The Christ Hike takes place in the evening, and camp staff members dress up and act out highlights from the time of Jesus' ministry, beginning with his baptism (that takes place in the lake) and ending with his death on the cross and finally, his resurrection. Campers and others who attend (the public is invited)--perhaps around a couple of hundred of us--follow Jesus and his disciples and other members of the cast around the camp, as they act out various scenes as depicted in the Bible--the miracle of feeding thousands with a little bread and fish; Jesus saving the adulterous woman (always makes me cry), Jesus in the garden and before Pilate, etc. We even participate, as at one point, we become the crowd calling "Hosanna" and waving palm branches as Jesus approaches. And, a little later, as he stands before Pilate, we are the crowd calling, "Crucify him!"

At the end of the Christ Hike, after the resurrection, it becomes very quiet as a camp leader speaks about the precious gift of salvation Jesus gave us when he sacrificed his life for us. I remember well holding Kayla that night so long ago--the evening was so still and she was so small and lovely with her dark hair and eyes. It was during one of the quiet times, while the speaker had paused so we could think about what she was saying, that little Kayla spoke out so clearly that nearly everyone heard, "Wasn't that nice of him?"

She was speaking of what Jesus did--and she was only three years old.

"From the lips of children and infants, you, Lord,
have called forth your praise." (Matthew 21:13)

 Feeling very blessed...

Family

I have not written here for a long time, it seems. I have put in a few weeks of work after treatment, so I've been busy. I'm very grateful the Lord orchestrated the opportunity for me to transition to a 32-hour week. I have found I don't have quite the energy I did before treatment, so 32 hours is plenty. I have been enjoying getting back to work, though, and I'm so grateful to have a job I enjoy. The people I work with are wonderful and the work is rewarding. I have found that it helps tremendously to get eight or nine hours (preferably nine) hours of sleep every night. (I have always envied a bit people who can get by on five or six hours a night and still function well...not me! And now I seem to need a little more.)

A recent visit from my sister, Dawn, who lives in Idaho, was welcome--we took a long walk on one of the few nice evenings we have had this season (so much rain). Four (of five) of my sisters and my brother and I met at my mom's home in Casselton. It was great to get together. No one had a camera, of course, so Erik took a couple of pics with his phone. Since one of my sisters, Tammie, is a coast-to-coast truck driver, we don't see her very often at all, so I am grateful for the short visit we had. We missed Candy, who lives in Arimo, Idaho.

The bonds of family are strong. And I think the relationships we have with our family members provide clues to the personal, close, unbreakable bond we are invited to share with our Lord. Of course, family ties do break; I have heard of longtime feuds and parents "disowning" children (whatever that means). But, I believe, those bonds are not broken without pain and suffering, a troubled spirit, and perhaps often, a perpetual sense of something being wrong.

A couple of days ago, I downloaded to my Kindle a book of poems by Christina Rossetti. She wrote "Goblin Market," one of my favorite poems (worth reading). Until I read through it again, I had forgotten one of my favorite quotes is from that poem. The poem is about two sisters..and this passage about sisters is quite wonderful--and true (that spoken by someone who has been exceedingly blessed with five sisters--and a great brother):

"For there is no friend like a sister,
In calm or stormy weather,
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands."

Feeling grateful tonight...

A Living Hope

Still thinking about Light and my spiritual struggle. And I ran across this excerpt from a very old book by St. John of the Cross called _The Dark Night of the Soul_. It's been awhile since I read the book. (I think I just read part of it--it's a little tough going.) But this paragraph jumped out at me one day, and I sent it to someone in Facebook. Ran across it recently in my message history, and I'm still intrigued by it. (St. John of the Cross was a Carmelite priest, friar, mystic, who lived between 1542 and 1591. I believe he wrote the book--or at least part of it--while imprisoned.)

I am constantly amazed at the parallels between the physical world we live in and the spiritual realm, between physical truths/laws and spiritual truths, and, perhaps mostly, between our earthly/bodily journey and the journey of our soul. Here, St. John describes so well the difficulty with which we pursue spiritual truth and light, while we are bound by--and, thus, naturally apt to interpret our existence and experiences through--our human limitations (physical, mental, etc.) and fallen state (i.e., sin); our bodily senses (what we can physically see, hear, taste, smell, touch); and the external physical world and nature, with its laws and constancy, that we interact with, live with as long as we are alive.

Oh wretched lot of this our life, where we get to know the truth with so much difficulty! since the clearest and most radiant (light) and truth itself, is for us most dark and doubtful; and for this reason we fly from it, being that we have most need of; and that which glitters and fills our eyes with luster, we embrace and follow after, being that which is worst for us, and makes us fall at every step. How great is the fear and danger man lives in, since the very physical light of his eyes which leads him, is the first to dazzle and betray him on his journey towards God. So that, if he would clearly perceive the road whereby he travels, he must, of force, keep his eyes fast shut and go in darkness, so as to be safe from the domestic enemies of his household, which are his own senses and faculties. 

 How ironic this idea seems--that to follow hard after God and His light we must "go in darkness," suppressing our physical senses that deceive us and draw us away from God. We must surrender our will and seek Him and His will for us, embracing (joyfully?) whatever circumstances He brings into our lives.

But, my human nature argues, I am so much in the world! And I so desire and enjoy being comfortable, having my family close, being in my home and having my "things" around me, feeling good physically and mentally, living in a safe environment, having enough money to live comfortably and continue to buy more things, etc. It truly is difficult to put the Lord and the things of God first while living in such circumstances. After all, why would I choose a path of "darkness," to suppress my desires for the things that make me "happy" in this world? And why look upon as my enemies the very possessions that enable me to enjoy this life--my "senses and faculties"?

The answers to my questions, of course, are in God's Word. John tells us not to love the things of the world and reminds us of the temporary nature of the world we love and cherish so much. 

From I John 2...
 ¹⁵ Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. ¹⁷And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Although not difficult to read and even to grasp with my human intellect, this command, I find, is not easy to put into practice. And, I believe, not only "not easy," but not possible without faith and without God's Holy Spirit to guide and to help me.

Having recently read in  the Mayo book on women's cancers the chapter on recurring cervical cancer (I had avoided that chapter until now), I must admit I experienced some uneasiness (fear?) and discomfort when I read about the (limited) options available to women when this type of cancer recurs; I was especially daunted by the descriptions of the extensive surgeries that might be done to prolong life, even to prolong it for a short time. When I think about how I struggled through the not-so-difficult and not-so-long treatment program I recently finished--and remember my response to it (not always thankful)--I can't help but wonder (just "wonder"--not "dwell on") how I would fare in more dire circumstances. Would I continue to trust God, to praise Him, to thank Him in all circumstances? I sincerely hope so. I choose today not to worry about the future, to trust God to give me the strength I need in whatever circumstances He allows in my life. And I choose to believe that, in answer to many prayers, He has healed me completely.

As I seek wisdom, God's Spirit will enlighten me. In Proverbs, wisdom (personified) is given much attention:

Wisdom is better than anything I desire. Wisdom calls:
Take my instruction instead of silver,
   and knowledge rather than choice gold,
¹¹for wisdom is better than jewels,
   and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.

We don't have to guess what wisdom is. Many passages in the Word clearly tell us that the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and knowledge of the Lord and to shun evil is understanding/insight (Job 28:28; Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 1:7; Proverbs 9:10 are a few.)

I love Isaiah's prophecy about Jesus in Isaiah 11:2:

And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him,the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,the Spirit of counsel and might,the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.

Essentially, what I am seeking is wisdom from God: wisdom to live in this world, with all its vain glories, while at the same time to glorify God with my life, to truly follow Him and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. . .wisdom to embrace God's will for me and, as Paul learned, to be content in every circumstance: "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need" (Philippians 4:12).

The Bible contains much direction and encouragement for people like me, people who are seeking God. In 2 Corinthians 4:18, Paul tells us to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." And, as blessed and wonderful as we find this world, Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 2:19 that "[n]o eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

As I am writing this, I am reminded of Fanny Crosby. I have never read a bio about her, but I've heard about her over the years. She lived between 1820-1915 and wrote over 8,000 hymns, including many well-loved hymns like "Blessed Assurance" and "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior." She was extensively and passionately involved in mission work during her life, giving most of her money away. And she did all this while being blind since infancy. She recognized the blessing in her trial. One quote that is attributed to her:

"It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me."

My faith is in a living hope..

I Peter 1:3-9: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.  

So thankful today for God's Word, for godly examples, and for His concern with my spiritual growth.

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Note: Here is the poem "Dark Night of the Soul." The book expounds on each stanza. Consider the thought, "my house being now all stilled."

Stanzas Of The Soul

1. One dark night,
fired with love's urgent longings
- ah, the sheer grace! -
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

2. In darkness, and secure,
by the secret ladder, disguised,
- ah, the sheer grace! -
in darkness and concealment,
my house being now all stilled.

3. On that glad night,
in secret, for no one saw me,
nor did I look at anything,
with no other light or guide
than the one that burned in my heart.

4. This guided me
more surely than the light of noon
to where he was awaiting me
- him I knew so well -
there in a place where no one appeared.

5. O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover.

6. Upon my flowering breast
which I kept wholly for him alone,
there he lay sleeping,
and I caressing him
there in a breeze from the fanning cedars.

7. When the breeze blew from the turret,
as I parted his hair,
it wounded my neck
with its gentle hand,
suspending all my senses.

8. I abandoned and forgot myself,
laying my face on my Beloved;
all things ceased; I went out from myself,
leaving my cares
forgotten among the lilies.

Here is a link to the poem and text of the book: http://www.karmel.at/ics/john/dn.html

Light

When I see people these days, they most often ask me how I am doing and then tell me I am looking good. I've lost quite a bit of weight, so I think that is mostly what accounts for the complement (but then I hear my color is good, too).

I've been thinking lately about how little it matters how I look on the outside. Of course, it's nice to look good, better for my self-esteem, etc., but it really matters little in the great scheme of things. I have become acutely aware of my own mortality and the futility (not to mention the vanity) of trying to look younger as I grow older. My physical self, threatened by cancer, has, in some ways, become less important to me. Doesn't mean I should not take care of myself, but I feel pretty strongly that I should pay more attention to the things of God. Paradoxically, I struggle so with taking time for Bible study and prayer and the associated necessary self-discipline, while at the same time I long for an intimate relationship with God.

I wonder, if I met the Lord on the street, what He would say to me. Since He is much more concerned with the condition of my heart than my physical attributes, would he look at my heart and then comment on what he sees inside me? What would he see inside me? Darkness or light? Truth or deception? Some darkness, some light, some truth and some deception, I imagine. As long as we are in our fallen state, we will not see clearly or have perfect light. Jeremiah 17: 9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

The more we are in God's Word, the more light we have. Interesting--it seems that the more of God's Word we have in us, the more light we have, the more we see the world differently--easier to grieve for others who do not know the Lord, easier to grieve over injustices and wrongs, easier to see what in our own hearts is not in line with God's will for us as his people..rebellion, idolatry. (By "easier," I don't mean it's easy--it's never easy to see others hurting or to see, albeit unclearly, the sin in our own hearts. I really mean we are more sensitive to these things, essentially, the things of God.) The less familiar or immersed in God's Word we are, the more we (I) desire and pursue the pleasures this world has to offer, often putting them before God.

The Bible--Old and New Testament--is replete with references to light, and most of those references point to our Lord Jesus. Jesus is the light. John 1--In him was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it (ESV says instead, "the darkness has not overcome it"). Jesus--"the true light that gives light to every man..." John 8:12--Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I like to think about Jesus being the light of life. "Life" for Jesus--as well as for those who love him--does not mean only earthly life. It means eternity. Death is just a transition to eternal life, eternal light. We can look forward to the day when "the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory'" (1 Corinthians 15:54).

Darkness is the absence of light. We, on earth, depend on the sun to light our world. Isaiah prophesies that the time will come when

the sun will no more be your light by day,
   nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,

     and your God will be your glory. (Is 60: 19)  

I am so grateful today that God has revealed to me the truth and the light of Jesus. I want more of His light in my life.

2 Corinthians 4:6
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Last Treatment and Peace

Last high dose radiation treatment today!! Went well..Pastor Randy came and prayed for me--I am so grateful. And Ken was with me all day again--how blessed I am! I feel at peace this evening..tired, but at peace. This verse seems so appropriate for me today:

Deuteronomy 33:27
  The eternal God is [my] dwelling place
        and underneath are the everlasting arms.
  And he thrust out the enemy before [me]
        and said, Destroy.

I am trusting that He has destroyed the cancer and that I am in His arms--what a glorious place to be!

Thanks to all for prayers and support!!

Put your hope in God

Today I am thankful that God's love and concern for me does not depend on how I feel or on circumstances. Even though I feel tired and discouraged, I know that I am a daughter of the King of Heaven. I can say with the Psalmist in Psalm 42 and 43:

Why are you downcast, O my
           soul?
  Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
  for I will yet praise him,
  my Savior and my God.

The above passage is repeated three times in the two chapters, and at one point, the writer says:

My soul is downcast within me;
  therefore I will remember you . . .

Today, I will remember all God has done for me, and I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Treatment Update

Update on my treatment plan: I just had my third high dose radiation on Monday. It was a long day, but everything went very well again. Erik stopped by for a couple of hours; it was nice to have him and Ken there, keeping me company when possible. They managed to play a game of Scrabble on my Kindle, so that helped pass the time.

Dr. Bier, my radiology oncologist, has decided to have me come in for one extra HDR treatment--five instead of four. My fourth one will be tomorrow--Thursday--and the last one will be next Tuesday.

I am going to work today..will try to get a full day in. I'm afraid I'm getting used to a nap in the afternoon. Seems I get tired easily. But I'm going to try it and trust God to give me strength.

And it is good for me to remember from where my strength comes.

   This is what the Sovereign
LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your
       salvation,
  in quietness and trust is your
        strength, . . .(Isaiah 30:15)

Repentance and rest, quietness and trust--that is where I need to look for my strength. These are inner pursuits, inner states of being, not external striving or worldly accomplishments. May God help me today to keep my focus on Him and trust him to guide me as I draw strength from Him. 

God cometh in that cloud

One of my favorite devotion books is Streams in the Desert, compiled by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. I have received so much comfort and peace from the writings there. Today, as I was thinking about the cloud that has settled on our lives (Ken's and mine), I fondly remembered this devotion we read so early in our journey. We were especially moved by the poem (anonymous author) "Hast thou a cloud?". It was precious to both Ken and I and seemed to speak to our particular situation.

It's a reminder to me that God is in the cloud, not on the other side of it, but in the cloud. Just like Jesus was in the storm with the disciples. He didn't show up after the storm, but He was with them through it, and He brought them through it safely.

Today, I am grateful for my cloud, and I'm trusting that God will show me treasures in the darkness, in the cloud. I am not afraid.
 ____________________________
The following passage is from Streams in the Desert, August 22.

Treasures in the Darkness

"Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was" (Exod. 20:21).

God has still His hidden secrets, hidden from the wise and prudent. Do not fear them; be content to accept things that you cannot understand; wait patiently. Presently He will reveal to you the treasures of darkness, the riches of the glory of the mystery. Mystery is only the veil of God's face.

Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you; but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings." When you seem loneliest and most forsaken, God is nigh. He is in the dark cloud. Plunge into the blackness of its darkness without flinching; under the shrouding curtain of His pavilion you will find God awaiting you.  --Selected

"Hast thou a cloud?
Something that is dark and full of dread;
A messenger of tempest overhead?
A something that is darkening the sky;
A something growing darker bye and bye;
A something that thou fear'st will burst at last;
A cloud that doth a deep, long shadow cast,
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
It is Jehovah's triumph car: in this
He rideth to thee, o'er the wide abyss.
It is the robe in which He wraps His form;
For He doth gird Him with the flashing storm.
It is the veil in which He hides the light
Of His fair face, too dazzling for thy sight.
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
A trial that is terrible to thee?
A black temptation threatening to see?
A loss of some dear one long thine own?
A mist, a veiling, bringing the unknown?
A mystery that unsubstantial seems:
A cloud between thee and the sun's bright beams?
God cometh in that cloud.

Hast thou a cloud?
A sickness--weak old age--distress and death?
These clouds will scatter at thy last faint breath.
Fear not the clouds that hover o'er thy barque,
Making the harbour's entrance dire and dark;
The cloud of death, though misty, chill and cold,
Will yet grow radiant with a fringe of gold.
GOD cometh in that cloud."

As Dr. C. stood on a high peak of the Rocky Mountains watching a storm raging below him, an eagle came up through the clouds, and soared away towards the sun and the water upon him glistened in the sunlight like diamonds. Had it not been for the storm he might have remained in the valley. The sorrows of life cause us to rise towards God.